Dear Reader,
I hate the fact that I have suicidal thoughts. I hate the fact that in some people's eyes I'm just another statistic. I hate the fact that I hate who I am. I hate that I hide who I am to most people who know me. I hate the fact that I don't dare talk to people because I'm afraid they'll think I'm too needy. I hate that my worth is defined by what others think of me. I hate that I'm a different person depending on who's with me. I hate how much I hate my body. I hate how much I hate my mind. I hate how much I hate myself. I hate the labels I give myself to almost try and put myself down. I'm just so scared that I can't fix any of this. And I hate that. I hate how scared I am to be who I am. I hate that I always have to feel okay or just say I am. I hate how no one knows how I really feel. There are so many things that I wish I could just get rid of. I just want to be a normal teenager. I don't want to have to tell people and I go to therapy and then they ask why and be ashamed of why. I'm sick and tired of being able to relate to twenty one pilots music, although I do love their music. I'm sick and tired of being nagged at all the time and being expected to take it lightly and smile all of the time. I hate the others expect not only themselves to be perfect but that others are. I just don't understand anything right now. I have so many feelings that I want to get rid of. I have so many problems with my mind. I just have so many things going on and I don't understand them. I want to do something about all of these things. Believe me I don't want to have these thoughts. The only problem is I don't know where to start. I don't know how to fix myself. I know everyone says self love is a good first step but how. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to change people's minds. I don't know how to be brave. I want to work on this so badly but I just don't know where to start. I guess we'll see how these next few months go. All in all I'm going to try I hate therapy and I'm honestly gonna try my best to get out asap. So I'm taking baby steps. Hopefully next time we talk I won't have to break down to write what I feel.
Sincerely,
your writer.
YOU ARE READING
Dear Reader
NonfiksiThere's a lot more to life than what people lead on. This is my story. Come along for the journey. trigger warning: contains mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Do not read if you are sensitive to that content.
