Dear Reader

Chapter 11

Dear Reader,

Many of you don't know me personally. Like we've never met. I don't know your name and most of you don't know mine, but I feel like this is just something I need to say. Now I want you to know that I don't want this to effect how you look at my writing or me as a person. This is just a small portion of who I am. Here comes the hard part I guess. I am suicidal. I have been for a few months now and I am just now not only thinking something of it, but getting help. In health class we are talking about mental illness and yesterday we had talked about suicide. Being the idiot I am I didn't read this little slip they gave us and accidentally said I wanted to see my social worker. So that was where everything either went very right or went very right. You see I don't normally talk to people about what I feel. I guess this is just because normally when I do have suicidal thoughts I feel as if I'm a burden to those around me. That if I were to talk to someone I wouldn't be worth it. So non of my friends knew anything about this. Which may have been the worst decision I ever made. There were a lot of things kind of leading up to this. There was the whole Sam thing, my boyfriend in 7th grade ( I know it doesn't really count but for this we'll say it does) dumped me for another girl, my friends all ditched me beginning of freshman year, my parents putting a lot of pressure on me, myself putting pressure on me. All of these thing lead up to these thoughts. There are more trust me. Like society's expectations. Self esteem issues in general. There are a lot more things, but I just am not in the best, but yet the best, place in my life right now. Now I know that last sentence may not have made sense. So let me explain. Now I say this is one of the best parts of my life because I truly feel accepted. I have amazing friends, my grades are pretty good, I am doing things I love, it's all amazing, but sometimes that isn't enough. I can't help but feel that even though all of that is going great, that maybe I'm not good enough. This is just coming from me being hard on myself, society's pressure, and even my parents are a little to blame, but not really, here. Now I say my parents because well they say things, that don't sound the best. My dad can be very hard on me, which I assume is where I get it from. My dad is also someone I look up to. Someone I feel I need to be good enough for. I mean he's my dad. Sometimes though he says things that aren't the best. Like one time he told me that if I had qualified to take a honors class that I need to take it. That that's how I get ahead in life. So if you can't already tell this is a tad stressful. So some nights I'll be either very stressed or just plain sad and I will think "maybe the pain will go away if I'm not here". There are also days where I just don't feel like I'm good enough so I just would think "maybe this world would be better without me". I was always, and still am, very insecure. Every time I look in the mirror I see at least one flaw. Whether is be how boring my brown eyes are, or the pimple on my forehead. I can always find something. This just goes along with the whole self esteem thing. I don't feel like I'm pretty enough. I like to think I'm a pretty independent woman, but for some reason I like to think that because I don't have a boyfriend I'm not worth much. It's not even the fact that I like someone because I don't. It's the fact that no one thinks I'm good enough to date or even get close to. I have one guy friend and that's it. I love him but I just feel like at this age I'm so pressured to have a boyfriend already. It's just something I need to realize I don't need and if a guy doesn't want me then his lose. I was always the person on social media or in real life that told others that they were worth it. That they are amazing, wonderful, gorgeous, etc. Never once did I think I'd be the person who would have this big of a problem with it. On a different note, I was always the one trying to convince others to stay. That being different is okay. Little did I know how much I needed that. How I needed to be told I'm worth it. That me being different is okay. I never got that. Not at least in a direct form. My friends had showed it to me. They showed me by always being there. By giving me my space if I need it. By letting me fangirl/complain to them. When I had told my three closest friends I was so scared. Telling anyone you're suicidal is scary. The response I got from them was so supportive and just amazing and I love them for it. I had told them everything I've been feeling for the past few months. How alone and overwhelmed I felt. They are one of the main reasons I'm still here. The fact that I've found where I belong is amazing. They are the reason I want to get better. They make me feel safe and cared about. They made me feel loved. So I just want to say thank you to my best friends Bridget, Briana, and Christian. For accepting me for who I am no matter who I am. A big thing about me is that I hate being just one thing. It's like when a person comes out to you they don't just want to be seen as gay, or whatever sexuality they are, they want to be seen as themselves they're just reveling a different part of themselves to you. That's how I feel. I told all my friends I don't want to be seen as suicidal I just want to be seen as me.  This is kind of just me trying to cope with the fact that I am suicidal, and trying to grow from it. This is just the beginning for me. Hopefully it only goes up from here.

Sincerely,

your writer.