Dear Reader

Chapter 12

Dear Reader,

So it's been a while since we last talked. Things have been okay. I mean there have been amazing moments since I last wrote. I saw Troye Sivan in concert. I got tickets to The Amazing Tour is Not on Fire which means I'm seeing Dan Howell and Phil Lester live. I was actually happy for a while. It felt great to not be constantly crying or just laying in bed hyperventilating because I had been thinking too much. That came with a price. I was only happy for a short time, and it only really lasted a week or so at most. You see ever since I realized what I did that day I had gone through a very long stage where all I did was just cry and hate myself. Things have gotten better I don't cry every night like I used to, but I'm still having problems. I think it'll be a while before I go without any thoughts. I'm trying to be clean I am, but it's just really hard. I have things that do help. I normally listen to music that helps. I listen to a lot of Panic! At The Disco, Troye Sivan, Pentatonix, watch Dan and Phil videos just look at things that make me happy really. Of course my family life hasn't gotten better but not that much worse either. I don't think my dad gets the whole idea of suicide and just how it's really a self esteem issue for me. So when he says things about my body, my attitude, my friends, my schoolwork it really hurts and is kinda stopping me from getting better. I'm not saying he's the only problem. Believe me I'm a problem too. It's like I don't want help because even though my friends are completely fine with it, I can never seem to ask them for help. I just always feel like I'm a burden. Even when they tell me I'm not I still feel like I am. I don't know why I just feel that way. 

Let's talk more about the happy. Also between the last time I wrote I joined an amazing groupchat on twitter called Undermemes. They are all such amazing people and I love them all so much. I actually might get to meet one of them this summer she's kind of the mom of the group. Her name is Onnolee and she's so amazing. Before the groupchat started her and I were kind of friends and was a little scared to talk to her. I'm so happy I do now because she's one of the best human beings I've ever gotten to know. Then there was the Troye Sivan concert. So my best friend and I went to see him live. It was an experience I will never forget. Although the whole concert is a little bit of a blur it was such a dream how I felt in that moment seeing a person I've admired for so long in person was something I will never forget. Even though he didn't play all of the songs I was hopping he would it was still amazing. 

Then there was the fact that I got tickets to tatinof (Dan and Phil tour). It was the most stressed and happy I'd been in a while. I may not have the best seats but this is a pretty amazing opportunity. Just to see another pair of my idols in person. Although I may not meet them I still get to see them live. Although it's 70, and counting, days away I'm still really excited. My birthday was quite recently as well. I had a blast with my friends the day before. It was our own little celebration. I felt so loved that day. I swear I have the best friends in the entire world. They're so amazing. They are there for me when I need it most. They know exactly what to say where I know it's joking, and know the topics not to touch on. It's like they can read my mind. I love how they're all so different yet so the same. I love how much they love me. They're amazing.

Then a little bit before my birthday I made my high school softball team! I made the freshman team. You know considering I'm a freshman. Anyways there are 11 other girls on my team who have become some of my best friends. They're all amazing! That a big thing I love about softball or just sports in general. A team can go from absolute strangers to best friends in a few months. My best friend and I actually met through sports when we were little. We were always on the same teams, and were always friends for that season but never really became good enough friends to go for longer. Until this past softball season where she was on my team again. That was the deal breaker. I've been one of her best friends ever since. Even just today when I went to go pick up my uniform from my travel coach. One of the girls on my team was so excited to see me and that just made me so happy. I love all the girls on my team. That's a good reason as to why I started loving softball. I made friends when I felt alone. To this day some of my best friends I made through softball. It truly is amazing how much one thing can change your life.

So a lot has happened in the past couple months. A lot of good. A little more bad. Either way I'm just going through life right now. I'm just living and hopefully I can be a little bit more happy. I just want to be able to accept who I am. I want to be happy. So I'm going to try. I'm going to start by just accepting my flaws and realizing that I have amazing people around me that just want me to be happy. That they want me to be the best I can be. I think that 2016 will be the year I learn to love myself a little more. Hopefully the next time I write won't be too sad. So I wish all of you happiness and hope that you can love yourself. This is goodbye for now. Well, actually it's more like see you later. :)

Sincerely, 

your writer.