Never Let Go||A Destiel AU Fanfiction

Chapter 14

"That feeling of regret when time passes and you realize you've let the wrong person go." -Unknown

~

Cas' Point of View

He fucked it up.

Castiel didn't want to send him away, banish him like he did something wrong. But, Cas, himself, was sure it was the right thing to do, he knew he was going to die sooner or later, depending on how much pails of vomit he filled each day; he faced reality with a straight face, because, well, he was so used to how shitty life was in his point of view.

So, he told Dean to go away, of course, he didn't want Dean to leave, but, it seemed like the best thing to do, especially since Lucas came back, who must have gathered information to Cas' whereabouts from his brother.

Castiel was having one of those days where everything felt fake.

Like he was still sleeping in his hospital bed, drool slipping out of the corner of his mouth as he turned restlessly, but, no, he was actually looking at the boy who had left him months ago, who, for some reason, decided to come back.

Lucas went over to Cas, allowing a gap of silence to make things awkward, along with a small "hello" from Lucas, a smile over his young, handsome face.

Castiel wasn't sure how to feel at this point.

He was bawling about Lucas while drunk, but then a few weeks after, he wound up with Dean, he wasn't saying that he didn't like Dean, or Lucas, he was just overwhelmed by the thought that two people had considered going back to a sick boy in a hospital gown.

Lucas somehow convinced him, led him underneath his trap of charming grins and dashing remarks. Lucas had told him that he should not make any relationship with anyone, which meant, no Dean, but, it also meant no Lucas, who just came to Cas to visit him because he became "worried."

So did that mean he wasn't "worried" when he left Cas broken? When he heard his voicemail's that had Castiel asking him what he did wrong? Was he not "worried" when he first heard Castiel had to go to the hospital for further testing? What was he doing here? Had he heard rumors that Cas had to take several different set of pills every day, or that his appetite had shrunk to only a few bites of a sandwich?

What was Lucas doing here, sitting in Dean's chair, looking at Cas with his pale, round eyes?

"Why are you here?" Castiel asked nervously, as Lucas took a sip of his coffee which he purchased from the nearby coffeeshop, well-shaped lips pressed around the dark rim of the lid, another moment of silence as he placed it back on the nightstand, beside the Harry Potter book.

Cas looked down at his plate of untouched food; he had the book right next to him, the book that linked the dreams Cas had about Dean's gruff voice, a voice he wanted to hear over and over, to tell him useless, little things that wouldn't matter in the end, like what he ate in the morning, or that he always forgot to shut the oven. But, it also told him big, important things that Cas remembered, like about his life, or the way he kept telling Cas to have hope.

Cas swallowed hard, glancing away from his plate of chicken soup, shifting his gaze at Lucas, who had shifted on the seat, hardening his gaze at Cas.

"He left me a few weeks ago," Lucas said, "said he needed time to sort things out, and he just stopped calling me, blocked me on contacts, just stopped any connection I had with him."

Like what you did to me, Cas thought to himself.

"So, what? Are you back here because I'm your backup lover?" Cas asked, grimacing at him.

"No, because, I miss you, I told him that and it just blew a burst in him, made him all angry on me." Lucas confessed, sighing, shaking his head, "I just wanted to see you again."

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him, he knew Lucas was lying to him, by the way Lucas' white neck flushed with color, and his jaw set tightly, eyes going anywhere but to Cas.

"No," Cas said firmly, "You want something else."

Lucas let out a long breath, eyes finally looking into Cas' blue ones.

"Cas, I'm-I'm broke."

Cas chewed on his bottom lip, fluttering his eyes fall shut, not bearing to look at the bastard sitting by him, letting breaths flow out of his nose, slowly and painfully as a hole expanded in his chest, making every inch of himself burst in the most excruciating way possible, it consumed him by a whole, taking him through an extreme eruption of feelings that swallowed him down.

He had been betrayed by the same asshole twice. And twice he had been a stupid moron who was blinded by warm smiles and promising eyes...

He couldn't tolerate that he actually just wanted to cry, to shuffle in a corner on the plain, hospital room and to just cry, because, once again, he had been crushed into bits by the same person who broke him the first time.

He was pissed, but more at himself, for being stupid, for actually thinking that Lucas was back to stay, when in reality, the only one who wanted to stay was Dean Winchester; Dean, who so undeniably liked Cas, more then Lucas did. Dean, who managed to sneak booze and give a cigarette to a sick patient. Dean, who felt it was right to bring his brother over to meet his hospital lover. Dean, who, just gave so much, too much, for Cas, completed things on his list, tried to protect him from Lucas, who did everything, every single little thing that Cas looked for in love.

And, what did Cas do to repay him?

He sent Dean off, after everything Dean had risked for Cas, the fact that Dean had even risked to kiss him was enough to make Cas cry.

So, he cried, even with Lucas next to him, he allowed the tears to fall, the misery breaking him bit by bit.

"I'm-I'm such a fucking idiot." Cas stuttered, shaking his head, removing his glasses and lousily throwing them to the nightstand. "So-fucking-stupid."

"Don't cry-"

"I'm not crying because of you!" Cas whispered harshly, feeling a hand place over his arm, but Cas jerked away, allowing his hand to swap towards Lucas' direction, since Castiel could barely see, his hand slapped Lucas hard against his face. Cas didn't say anything, just his cries ceased, not because he slapped Lucas, but because, he just manged to stop them from becoming sobs. Cas shakily placed on his glasses, glaring at Lucas, who was rubbing a hand over his red cheek. "I hate you. I hate you for coming back, I hate you for convincing to send away Dean, I hate you for asking me for money. I hate you!" Cas yelled.

"Shhh, Cas, people will hear."

"I don't give a fuck who hears!" Cas screamed, voice going hoarse, "Get out!"

A man walked in, his doctor, with a sunken expression on his face.

"What happened?" He asked worriedly, looking back and forth between Castiel and Lucas.

"Can he get out?" Cas asked softly, "Let the ladies at the desk memorize him, because I do not ever want to see him again."

A muscle in Lucas' jaw clenched as he sent a glance at Cas, before getting up and pacing behind the doctor, who was muttering things underneath his breath.

Cas let his eyes fall shut, but he did not sleep, instead, he was left regretting the fact that he sent away Dean.

~

Hey readers!

I know! Late update!

Sorry, school seriously is getting annoying and I'm barely approaching the third week! :/

So, anyway, how did you think of this chapter? Let me know!

I'll try to update next Wednesday!

UPDATE: I FORGOT A QUOTE IN THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER! I'M LOOKING FOR ONE NOW XD SORRY! :/

NEW UPDATE: THERE IS A QUOTE NOW xD