It hurts [Ziall]

18

Dedication to @Grasette because you left such a nice comment on the last chapter :)

Niall

Once the doctors found me awake, they made me do a bunch of tests and asked me a bunch of questions, eventually diagnosing me with clinical and situational depression. Who even knows what that means. I was sent home with Zayn, because my mom was working (your son just tried to kill himself twice but you can't get off work ok thanks mom.) I have four different types of pills, all with different instructions, and a recommendation for a therapist and a support group. Great.

"But I don't want to do all of this stuff." I groaned. "This therapist says I have to go every day! I'd have to quit dance!"

"They recommended this stuff Niall." Zayn said, keeping his eyes on the road. "The medications will help I'm sure, but you should at least try going to that support group."

I groaned again. "They'll probably just make me more depressed." I muttered, staring out the window.

We pulled into the jewelry store and I smiled at Zayn. I had forgotten what we were doing as soon as I got out of the hospital. The two of us got out of the car and Zayn took my hand in his. We walked in hand-in-hand into the store and looked around for a bit.

We picked out the rings we wanted pretty quickly, once we saw them we knew they were what we wanted. Two silver bands, with Only Love You, Forever engraved on the outside. We bought them, then went outside the store, standing in a place where there were not many people.

"I promise I'll love you forever." Zayn whispered, slipping the silver band on my finger. "I'll never leave you and I won't let anyone hurt you. I hope this ring will remind you, when you're feeling sad, that I'm here for you. And I love you with everything in my being."

Tears filled my eyes as I started my short speech.

"I promise I'll conquer my depression and be with you for the rest of our lives." I said, slipping the ring on his finger. "Every time you look at this ring, it can remind you that I'm alright."

He placed his hands on either side of my face and leaned in, pressing his lips to mine. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him closer.

"I love you Zayn Malik." I whispered.

"I love you too Niall Horan." He whispered in response. "Can we go practice our duo? We haven't done it in like a week."

I giggled at his random comment, then nodded and the two of us went back to the car and started driving to the studio.

"You know, this is one of my favorite dances ever." He said as we walked into the studio, swinging our intertwined hands between us.

"Really?" I asked. He nodded, smiling as we walked to the back rooms.

"Where have you two been?" We heard the high pitched voice of Alison, our jazz teacher, say. I groaned internally. I hate her so much.

"Sorry Miss Ali, but we had the flu." Zayn lied effortlessly.

"Both of you?" She raised an eyebrow.

"We tend to kiss sometimes." I said quickly.

She glared at both of us. "Call in next time." She mumbled angrily, then walked up to the front desk.

"Call in next time." Zayn mocked her obnoxious voice. I giggled as the two of us went into the back room and got set up to rehearse our duet.

I tried not to put full emotion into the dance, because I knew that's not really what I needed at the moment. I just want to practice the steps.

We got to our second lift, where Zayn grabbed my thighs, I grabbed his shoulders and pushed off, and Zayn lifted me above his head. I bent my legs and arched my head back while he went on relevé and lifted me high.

Suddenly, I was falling from almost seven feet in the air and I felt my body slam into the ground. Hard. So hard, I couldn't breathe for a second.

Then I felt the pain in my side and I started to cry. And Zayn was by my side immediately.

"Oh my god I'm sorry baby are you alright?" He asked. I nodded, squeezing my eyes shut and keeping my hand on my hip, where I had fallen.

"I'm so sorry, my hand slipped, I can't believe I dropped you Niall." He said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

I'm too heavy. That's obviously why he dropped me. Zayn is the strongest dancer I know, he lifts people all the time. I'm just fat. Obviously he can't hold all my weight.

"I'll be alright." I muttered, standing up and still holding my injured hip.

"You sure?" He asked quietly. I nodded, so he wrapped his arms around my waist and pecked my lips. "I won't drop you again, I promise."

I smiled. "I know you won't." I said.

We went out to the car and Zayn drove me home, giving me a quick kiss before I went inside and up to my bathroom immediately.

I noticed all the blood was cleaned off the floor. My mom has the decency to clean up after her son's suicide attempt, but I haven't even seen her since it happened. Nice mom.

I pulled my shirt off and took a quick look at my body. I immediately bit my lip and looked away. I hate myself. Why do I have to be so fat? I stepped onto the scale.

115 lbs

I cringed. How the hell do I weigh so much, even after dieting for months?

I sat next to the toilet and shoved two fingers down my throat, throwing up the food they forced me to eat in the hospital.

Zayn wants me to love myself. He wants me to be confident and to not want to hurt myself anymore. I don't think I can learn to love myself unless I'm skinny and Zayn doesn't drop me because I'm so fat. And I can't be reassured that Zayn will keep his promise unless I'm good enough for him.

And right now, I'm nowhere near good enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Niall is 115 and the normal weight for someone his height is around 130:(

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