Red Vs Blue Book of One-Shots

Sarge's PSA

Sarge was done with this... This subordinate being 'pampered'.

His best solider and his worst? Together? In a relationship?

It's not that sarge minded the gender, but he cringed at the thought of Simmons being polluted with Grif's stupidity.

But in a way... It was kinda cute.

They would bicker over something, eventually not agree, but instead tolerate eachother. One would refuse to do the dishes, but instead was forced to stand next to the one that was. The orange solider would eat all the Oreos, and would have to run and keep up with the Maroon one later that day. 

Sarge found it... Amusing.

Simmons was always an obeyer, no doubt, and Grif wasn't exactly a rebel, but lazy sounds like a better word.

How the hell did they end up dating?

He had no earthly idea.

So one day, when Donut started to vent about how he wish he had a family, Sarge took the moment to shine.

"You guys are the closest to children I'll ever get." He mumbled.

"Ha! Don't expect any grandkids then." Simmons joked.

Sarge squinted at him, similar to an evil eye, then gestured to him and Grif.

"What about you two? You gonna adopt soon?"

Silence.

No words could explain how awkward it was.

Grif and Simmons glanced at eachother, then looked back at Sarge.

"We... We're not-"

"Yeah, we aren't-"

Sarge started to laughed before the two stuttering boys could finish their sentence, and slapped his knee.

"You two are more in love than I am with my shotgun! Don't try and lie to me, I saw you kiss once!"

Simmons' face went red, and heck, even Grif had a blush.

"I ate the last slice of pie and he tried to get it back!" Simmons defended.

"Y-Yeah! That wasn't a kiss! That was... I... I actually don't know how to defend myself."

"Yeah, Grif," Donut joined in, "That was a completely heterosexual thing to do."

Grif glared at Donut while Simmons was still shocked from Sarge's statement. Donut just laughed, and skipped out of the room with invisible rainbows trailing behind him.

Sarge had grabbed a beer, and was now crossing his legs, waiting for an explanation. In a way, he was like a father who had caught two children sneaking out at night.

"Look here, dirtbags-"

"Oh no," Grif complained, throwing his head back, "He's gonna do a speech again."

"Shut up and pay attention, it could be important." Simmons muttered.

"You know what else is important? Naps, Simmons. Naps are-"

"Are you two girls gonna keep talkin'?" Sarge said gruffly.

Simmons nodded, and Grif sighed before doing the same.

"Look... I don't care if you've got more pink in your ass than Donut in his Cop costume. What I do care about is if you two dirtbags keep runnin' around eachother like it's a race. So either get together, or shut your filthy, traitor mouths."

Grif and Simmons were shocked once again, leaving themselves speechless. Many different things to say we're going on in their heads, but neither wanted to speak first.

Grif was constantly trying to defend himself, but honestly... Who the hell cared?

Simmons knew he was avoiding the huge elephant in the room, but what if he didn't.

All it took was a lousy Sargent to set them straight (not exactly) and get them to talk to eachother.

But they were still silent.

Sarge sighed, and stood up, now face-to-face with the boys.

"Look here... I've never lost anything. Ever. So if you think you'll be avoiding eachother once again and on your Merry way, you'll regret it."

Sarge huffed, and turned in his heel to leave. However, there was a split second.

A moment of victory.

Right before the door closed, he swore he could see a maroon and orange solider hugging.

Sarge smirked to himself as he sat in his huge chair, decorated by all his awards and trophies. They all seemed useful until now. They were selfish, all for himself and no one else.

But he got to change two lives into something more on this day.

Sarge would easily call that one hell of an award.

Not bad, Sargent, not bad...

(Writing Sarge was so much fun!)