Chapter Forty- Seven: Forgotten How to Fight

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{Perrie's POV}

There's this saying... that some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be with one another. That terrifies me. Thinking that it could be possible, it could be what is happening to me right now. Wondering is worse than knowing. It is so fucking scary to know that this will one day end. Even death ends the physical. But what if the emotional is ruined long before death even has a chance to knock on the door? 

Ellie's finger runs along the glass without making a single sound, her breathing creating condensation against the clear material that is dividing us from the thundering rain outside. It truly is a beautiful sight though. The thousands of droplets of water, breaking as they hit the ground, creating a noise that brings the uttermost peace. 

"Why does it rain, Mummy?" Ellie turns her head back to look at me, her legs crossed as she sits in front of the window where I'm seated on the wooden floors just behind her. 

"Water, it evaporates. That means that when it gets warm enough, it rises from all the oceans and lakes, and other places where it is resting in or on the ground, and it goes up into the clouds. Then, when the clouds get too full, it rains, because gravity brings the water back down. The cycle repeats over and over," I explain as best as I can to a four-year-old. 

"Oh, okay," Ellie nods, turning to look back out the window.

"But you can decide why you think it rains. Scientifically, that is why it rains, because of the cycle, and to feed the plants and animals," I tell her, and she glances back at me again, interested in what I am telling her. "Or you can think otherwise. It could quite possibly rain because the water washes away all the bad, that the sound calms people down," I continue. "Or that although it is the same water droplets, it is a new beginning for them," I add. 

"I like the rain," Ellie tells me and then turns around once more. I crawl over to her and pull her into my lap as we sit there, both looking out the window. The rain is still hitting everything outside, the droplets splashing into the water that is filling up the pavement and grass. 

"Mummy," Ellie speaks up softly. "Are you and Daddy not married anymore?" 

Ellie's words cause me to close my eyes and let out a deep breath, "No Boo, we're still married."

"Oh," Ellie responds, her voice still silent for once. "Why isn't Daddy sleeping in your bed?" 

"He's helping out Uncle Louis with Henry," I lie a little. Zayn is at Louis' place, but he's not really helping Louis with anything in particular. 

There's a silence that fills the room, bringing the sound of the rain back once more. Ellie snuggles herself back into my chest and I wrap my arms around her tighter, not ever wanting to let go. Do we ever know who to hold onto? It's as if I'm depended on to fight for him. I haven't stopped fighting. I've just forgotten how to fight. 

"Mummy... do you love Daddy?" Ellie whispers, caution in her voice. 

Everything becomes blurry and I quickly close my eyes, clenching my jaw to stop myself from defeat. Except you can only fight for so long, until you become unable to fight back, to move.... to fucking breathe. 

"Yes, I love him," I respond, feeling the cold substance drizzling across my cheek, rolling off the bottom of my face and hitting Ellie's bare hand. Ellie quickly moves around and positions herself so that her face is right in front of mine, eyes looking into one another. 

Ellie uses her thumbs to wipe away under my eyes and then she rests her forehead against mine, still looking at me. There's water glassing up my eyes, but I can see clear as day the sad look on her face. 

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