The Suicide Equation

Chapter One - Birth Of The Unwanted

"Okay, just look after her. I'll be back by tonight." Carmine told the man as she left the house. She had left me all alone with this stranger.

"Vicky, right?" He asked me.

"No, Violet." I responded.

"That's a pretty name for a young lady." He said with a evil grin staring to form on his face.

"Thank you, mister." I'd reply in the most innocent tone.

He proceeded to stare at me in ways that I didn't understand. I'd bend over and pick up a toy and his eyes would drift to me. He wouldn't speak to me but he would watch. He watched me like a hawk, but it was not in the way my mother expected.

I played around by myself with the toys I had. I made my own world. Broken Barbie dolls interacting with each other and living the life I saw fit for them. One would be a Pop-Star and another would be an actor in big Hollywood movies. It was my escape from my reality.

The mountain of trash growing in the corner was Hollywood Hills. The liquids spilled on the kitchen floor was the pool my diva's swam in daily. All the garbage had a way to make it into my day dream.

The only thing I couldn't create a nice version of was the putrid odor that emerged from the house. No matter how lost in a fantasy world I got, Hollywood smelled like rotten eggs, the pool smelled like spoiled milk, and the rest of the land smelled of a trash can that hasn't been changed in decades. My characters dealt with it and grew to call it normal, just like me.

This far-less-than-sublime fantasy would go on until my mother returned in the dead of night, after the man would pass out on the couch, forgetting I existed.

"I'm home!" She said drunkenly as she stumbled into the house. "Wake up asshole, I don't need you anymore."

The man on the couch awoke and looked at my mother in her inebriated state and smirked. He walked up to her and kissed her on the lips and she dropped her bottle of alcohol and began to make out with him.

The bottle shattered and left a new pool for my dolls to swim in. Mommy walked through it and went to her bedroom with the strange man who had been my caretaker for the day. I could hear them both yelling and a bunch of noise coming from the room but never did I enter, I was told to stay away.

I put myself to bed after I had my fill of fun for the day. I'd climb into the sheets of a broken mattress thrown into the corner of a room barely large enough to not be considered a walk in closet. I shivered through out the night and hid from the creepy crawlies that slept with me and managed to sleep.

In the mornings I'd wake and go to the kitchen to be greeted with empty plates with crumbs on the table and counter top and an empty refrigerator. Not a soul would be with me. I'd walk around and search for something I could consume but nothing was around. I went back to my fantasy world, daily, with the growing pain in my stomach and the fowl stench crowning from me until my light came through the cracks in the darkness.

"Grandma!" I shouted as I ran to the women who walked in with a face of pure joy.

"Violet!" She'd say back as she took me in her arms. "I missed you, dear."

"I missed you too, Grandma." I would always smile when she was around.

"You stinky little girl, when's the last time you had a bath?"

"The last time you gave me one!"

Her glimmering happiness died down and she sighed and under her breathe she muttered "Damnit, Carmine." She looked down and back to me. "Well, let's get you cleaned up!" She said with a smile.

I nodded and we went to the bathroom. The bathtub was covered in bodily fluids and wrappers full of something white. My grandmother, appalled, took me out of the dump and looked at me.

"Does your Mom ever clean around here?" She asked with a serious tone.

"Nuh uh." I shook my head.

She muttered again.

"Well let's go somewhere where we can give you a proper bath, okay?"

I nodded and we got into her van and left. We drove to her house and entered my heaven. This place was the polar opposite of my own home.

Her living room had a working TV, a modem for Internet, a couch that didn't have holes in it, and my best friend, Chloe. Her kitchen wasn't slippery and sticky. She had food. It was actually clean, unlike the trash filled dump I lived in.

My grandma sat me down and Chloe ran to me. I pet the dog and she went to run a bath for me. I could her her talking to my uncle, Oli.

"God damnit, Oli. I didn't raise that. Carmine a literal pig. She doesn't take care of Violet. She doesn't feed or bathe the poor girl. She doesn't clean her house. What the hell?"

I stopped listening to the grown ups talk and looked down at be bundle of joy in my lap. She looked up at me and licked my chin and started to cuddle up into a ball and nap. She was the cutest wiener dog ever.

"Grandmaaaaaa." I called out. Her voice stopped.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I'm hungry."

"When's the last time you ate?"

"A couple days ago."

She came out in minutes with a muffin and a glass of milk in her hands and fed me the small snack. Once that was gone she bathed me and took of the grime that built up over the week.

My grandma was who I considered my mother, she's who actually treated me like a daughter, but sadly she was only a grandmother who I seen every Saturday morning until my mother came to her house in the middle of the night, enraged, and demanding that I be returned.

My grandma would argue but my mother always won, my grandma wasn't strong enough mentally or physically to win an argument with the drunken idiot, so she let me go and she'd a tear. She knew the horrid conditions I went through daily and wanted to save me but couldn't without ruining everything.