The Suicide Equation

Chapter Seven- Middle School Years

As the years went by, my prediction was right. That was my life. I was raped by Tanner daily or by one (or more) of his friends. I've grown used to it. Do I like it? No! Do I still cry? Yes! But I've learned to lie back and accept it. As a girl, that's my purpose. To please other guys.

I finally made it to sixth grade. I felt like I was free from Tanner here. I felt like I could make some friends and escape my life and make a new one. I thought this would be a fresh start.

I was wrong. I was so wrong.

In the sixth grade, I could tell nothing would get better. Grass Lake wasn't the place for me. Students and teachers hated my guts. No one wanted me around.

I was shoved around and beaten every chance the got. Teachers bad mouthed me both in front of me and behind my back. The students made my life a living hell. I got thrown into lockers and beat up in the bathroom. There wasn't a day I'd go home where I wasn't beaten.

Seventh grade was the same thing. More kids came to the school, more kids learned to hate me. New teaches learned that I really didn't care about school and that I was just gonna bitch and moan all class.

My grades plummeted. The bullying rose. My self loathing increased.

No one liked me, not even myself.

I finished off my time in Grass Lake. After the seventh grade, my life got a bit better (for the moment.)

My mother had gotten pregnant and had a baby boy she named Jonah, but she also left Tanner. She broke up with him and we moved out. She told me we were moving to Jackson and I would be put into Northwest schools.

My first day of eight grade was scary. New school, new environment, new everything. A new town even. I didn't know anybody, so I had to hurry and make friends.

A few people were instantly nice to me and friendly. Most people grew to hate me and learned that I really wasn't what they expected and just learned to dislike my entire existence. To fix things, I got a boyfriend as quick as possible.

This boy named Henry was my boyfriend for two months. In those two months, so much happened. He introduced me to his friends. I took a liking to his best friend, Shawn. Shawn and I talked a lot, and honestly, we talked more than I talked to Henry.

Me and Henry were a typical eight grade couple. We held hands, kissed, and hung out after school. He wasn't one to hide me though, he did everything in public like he would behind closed doors. On the bus he would make out with me and touch me. It was awkward and I didn't want it but I let him because I had to.

As the days went by I was convinced Henry loved me. Honestly, the feeling was kinda mutual. It's too hard to explain, but at the same time, I had feelings for his best friend. I kind of fell in love with his best friend from the moment I met him.

Henry said he loved me and he tried to show it. One day, he really decided to show it. Me, the fourteen year old, and him, the thirteen year old, were alone in his basement watching horror movies. Evil Dead was on in the background but neither of us paid any attention.

We were making out and groping each other but then things escalated. The oh so familiar sound of a zipper was audible. I tensed up and looked at Henry. He wanted to go all the way.

Of course, I had to say yes. I lied back and let him take me. For the first time in a long time, it felt like someone loved me. It felt like someone was doing this to me but had a different intention then doing to do it, it felt like he was doing it to express his love.

Once he was finished, I had realized that I made a mistake. We had gotten dinner but I didn't want to eat, I was too embarrassed to pig out in front of my boyfriend. He held up food in front of my face and said "We just had sex, you have to listen to me. Eat."

That pissed me off but I did as told, like always. I sat back and ate food and continued to watch a movie along side a boy who just took something I considered sacred from me. I hope he cherished it as much as I did. To me, it meant something.

Obviously, he didn't care. Only two weeks later he broke up with me. I was a wreck. I couldn't handle it. I picked up a cigarette I found outside on the ground and stared smoking it. With each hit I felt myself start to numb.

That feeling from when I was eight, the numbing, it was back. Once that clicked, I was hooked. I collected cigarettes and smoked daily. Henry's best friend sent me a text as I was out collecting.

Hey.

Hewwo.

How are you, Violet?

I'm good, how about you?

A little nervous.

Why?

I had something to tell you.

Tell!

Well, Violet, from the moment I saw you with my best friend, I was sad, because I really liked you. I wanted to be with you.

Really?

It felt like my dreams were coming true.

Yes!

Well?

Well what?

Do you have something to ask me?

Well... Do you wanna go out with me?

Are you sure?

Yes, Violet.

Yes!

I felt happy again. I smiled so wide. Only seconds later, I was crushed again.

You know what.. On second thought, let's just stay friends. I don't wanna ruin what we already have :)

Oh....... Ok...

I'm sorry, just don't wanna risk losing a good friend.

I understand....

The bastard never talked to me again for three years.