The Suicide Equation

Chapter Fourteen - Yes / No

I slowly approached my assigned seat on the bus. It was immediately behind he bus driver, so it wasn't a very far walk, but I needed all the time I could get. In the thirty seconds it takes me to sit down, I hoped to any god out there that I'd be able to calm down. I plopped my ass down next to Shawn and was far from calm.

My palms were sweaty and I was shivering. I was so ungodly nervous. The panic I felt was crazy. How on earth was I going to be able to ask Shawn out?

I held my own hand and interlocked each finger as I twirled my thumbs about and looked around the bus wildly, trying to do what I could to avoid Shawn. I seriously hoped he forgot about anything; he didn't look interested anyways.

I started thinking to myself, you need to ask him out. The worst he can do is say no. A no is a no, so if he does say no, accept it and move on. Sure, you may be crushed and brought to tears because you've loved this boy since the day you met him in the eight grade, but if he doesn't want you then that's okay. You can live without him.

I looked dead ahead at the seat in front of us and studied the brownish gray pattern. I swallowed my fears and locked them away and managed to start a conversation with Shawn.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"I've been better."

"Awe, what's wrong?"

"Just really nervous."

"About what?"

"I think you know."

The back and forth was small talk for the inevitable conclusion. He was hinting towards me asking him out so I decided to do it. It was all or nothing.

"Shawn..."

"Yeah?"

"Will you go out with me?"

As I said those six words, my heart sped up. I was more nervous than I've ever been. What was he going to say? When I asked him, his eyes widened, that wasn't a good sign was it?

He looked out the window and answered "No.."

"Oh..." I replied and looked down at my lap. I got lost in my thoughts again.

I knew it. I fucking knew it. He was fucking with me. He wanted to toy with me like every other goddamn guy out there. He doesn't give a shit about me; I could die and it wouldn't phase him. How could I be so fucking stupid?! How could I really think anyone on the planet could love me? I'm nothing, I'm worthless. I'm unlovable. I'm too hard to handle and have too much baggage behind me.

I was too deep in thought to notice Shawn pull out his phone but I snapped out of my daze when my phone vibrated.

Please ask me again...

My jaw dropped and I scoffed under my breath.

I thought to myself, why the hell should I ask him again? He already said no! He's just going to crush me again... Right? Yeah, yeah, he's going to say no. Right? Fuck I just need to ask him again.

"Shawn, do you want to go out?"

The milliseconds before his answer felt like years. My world slowed down in speed tenfold.

"Yes!"

I looked at him and smiled and he smiled back. I didn't believe it actually happened. He said yes!

The rest of the bus ride with Shawn was awkward. Neither of us knew what to do or say, so we held hands and smiled like idiots the whole time. He stroked my hand with his thumb as he held my hand; I don't think he knew he was doing it.

When Shawn stared out the window, I wondered what was on his mind. We had just gotten together (again), and I was already falling for him so much faster then I should.

Look at him... He's perfect. His smile, it's a little crooked, his teeth are a little yellowed, and he has this snaggletooth coming from the too of his gums. It pokes out when he smiles and it's the cutest thing. It makes him look like an innocent little kid.

His hair, it's adorable. I've always thought guys who had longer hair looked a lot cuter and holy hell it looked great on him. Sure, it wasn't to his shoulders yet, but when we first dated (for the five seconds) he had a buzz cut. The change was good, it suited him.

His eyes... His eyes are my favorite thing about him. They're this pretty hazel color that looks green in the sunlight but gray in the dimmer lit areas and it's just so pretty. His eyes are more gorgeous than mine!

Even his personality is a 10/10. He's kind of funny, caring, loving, and treats me right. I mean, he didn't use to treat me right, but that's when we were mortal enemies. Now we are a couple and I believe he'll treat me right. He treated Mariah and Sandy very well. Never had one of them complained about how he treated them.

I can't believe he said yes. This boy is the one I've dreamt about for the few years I've known him. After moving to Northwest, I saw him and immediately fell in love. It's cheesy but it's so true.

When we got to my bus stop, I didn't even know. He realized it, looked at me, and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hey, sweetheart, it's your stop. You gotta go." He said sincerely in a very soft tone.

I smiled even wider when I heard the word sweetheart. I nodded, gave him a huge hug, and got off the bus. He looked down at me from the window and we smiled at each other and I waved goodbye. I was madly in love with this goofball and I knew it and I'm sure he knew it too.