The Suicide Equation

Chapter Fifteen - Five Months Later

"We've been dating for almost six months now and it's been the best time of my life!" I said to Daisy over enthusiastically. "He's just so perfect. He doesn't abuse me or use me like the others. He is a very good boyfriend and he is my best friend."

Daisy smiled and nodded at my words and replied with a typical "You two are cute together."

I nodded back and accepted her compliment. I knew we were cute together. I mean, here I am, this short girl, short dyed hair, wearing dark clothing, walking around next to this taller, shoulder length haired, handsome, guy. He had the cutest smile and softest hair and the most adorably feminine face I've seen before on a guy.

We were perfect for each other. We liked the same music as each other, the same tv shows, the same food, pretty much everything we related over. We bonded over so much. Looking at Shawn was like looking it's a mirror, without the visual appearance of course.

Shawn had more in common with me then I really thought. After dating him for so long, I've learned a lot about him. Me and him aren't too different really. I know we connect over a lot but if you go deeper we are still the same person.

Shawn is a boy who isn't like the other boys at our high school. He looks different, he acts different, he talks different, and he has a different story to tell. He is also full of surprises. Many kids assumes he smokes because he just looks like that kind of kid, yet he's straight edge. Every teacher expected him to fail, yet he's a straight A student.

One thing I really never expected from him is how he gets at night. When the sun sets it upsets what's left of him. He curls up into a ball in the corner of his room while he's all alone in the dark. He gets caught up in his own mind and it's honestly pretty scary. He told me some of the things that go through his head.

I'll sit there and think for a good hour or two all the way up to all night. I might not sleep at all when I get so caught up in my own mind. It's a dark abyss that's almost impossible to scale out of.

I'll find myself thinking that I'm just not worth it. I'll think that I don't have a purpose. I'll think that no one cares. It sounds stereotypical but that's what I think.

I start to feel as if I'm this over dramatic kid who just bitches too much. I feel like if I tell anyone how I feel they'll laugh and judge me. I feel like it's just wasting their time when I reach out for help.

I felt worse and worse for my boyfriend with every sentence he said. They got continually more and more depressing. He really feels like I do sometimes.

It makes me feel a deeper connection with Shawn. Sure, I know people who are depressed and feel worthless, but when it's someone you actually care about and can talk to at any moment of the day, it makes you feel just a bit more relatable with them. It makes me feel safer knowing he deals with the same demons.

The problem is, my demons have gotten worse. His have just started surfacing again after mine went away. His can be controlled with his own will but mine surged back up out of no where.

I haven't told Shawn this, but, every night I'll stare at my ceiling and contemplate killing myself. I hear these voices coming from all around me that are chanting the same things.

Do it. Just do it already. You're not worth the air you breathe. You're a waste of space.

I start to look around my room and I'll see these shadowy figures in the corners. They seem to be staring at me. They're where the voices are coming from. The darkest parts of my brain are telling me what to do.

I haven't told Shawn because he has his own problems; I don't want to be a burden. I have been struggling with them, badly, for the last month. I wake up, I feel sad, and feel like I should end it. I go through the day, get treated like shit, and think about ending it. I go home, get yelled and screamed at, go to my room and I cry. I think about ending it all throughout the day.

I can't deal with these thoughts myself, I've thought about slipping. I've thought about cutting or drugs or alcohol. I've thought about throwing away the promises me and Shawn share just to make the voices go away.

Every time I think about it, I remember what Shawn told me.

Princess, you're so much more then you think. You're so much better then what you used to be. You don't need a high to escape and you don't need to drown your feelings in vodka. There's no need to tear away at your skin just to feel something else for a few minutes. You've managed to quit all that and put it in the past; You're so much stronger now. You don't need the vices you once had, you know it. I will be here with you every step of the way to make sure you're okay. If you ever feel like you might slip, call me, text me, Skype me, I don't care, just get ahold of me. Promise me you'll never go back to your old ways, Violet.

I whispered "I promise" to myself and looked down at my desk. I've missed the lecture the teacher delivered but didn't care.

After the class was over, I finally decided to speak to someone about it. I went to Mr.Harn and told him everything. All he did was hold me and bring me to the schools councilor. He told her the story I was able to utter. She called my mother and arranged for me to be put into therapy.

I spoke with her for half an hour.

"You've been through way to much for a girl your age!" She said in astonishment.

"I know." I replied.

"How are you alive?" She asked with both worry and curiosity.

"I honestly don't know." I spoke the truth.

How am I still alive?

I thought about it long and hard and ignored the therapist.

I'm only alive because he came back into my life.