The Suicide Equation

Chapter Thirty - The Suicide Equation

I walked back to my house and sat down against the door. I knew no one knew I was gone. No one home. No one really cared. I didn't think anyone would. I slowly stood up and entered my trailer.

I looked around, "Hello?" I asked. "Is anyone actually home?"

There was no response. I figured it would be like this. No mom, dad, grandma, brother, no anyone really. I have the house to myself, no family. My pets weren't even around, the house was dead aside from my presence.

I walked to my room and let out a long sigh. "It's now or never."

I set up my video camera on top of its tripod and aimed it towards me. I got a journal out and a pen. I knew it was time. I felt nothing when I realized this.

I opened the journal and flipped to a clean page and started writing.

Letter One: Family

I'm sorry. I know you'll be upset about this but honestly, you're more upset that you have to pay for my funeral and clean up this mess. You know it's true. You're gonna cry over my death for a few week maybe even a few months but within half of a year you'll forget this ever happened. I'm sorry for being such a burden on your lives that you felt the need to put me through hell and torture. I'm sorry for being unwanted. I'm lifting the weight off of your shoulders.

Goodbye.

-Violet.

I tore out the first sheet, folded it, wrote "to my family" on the front, and set it aside. I got to a second clean sheet of paper.

Letter Two: Shawn

I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. You're a greedy asshole who doesn't deserve me. You're one of the biggest reasons I'm doing this. You put me in this position. You lied, hurt, and cheated on me. How could you have ever claimed to love me? Fuck you. Bye.

Tearfully, I tore out one more piece of paper. I started writing with one person in mind.

Letter Three: Daisy

You were my best friend. I considered you family. I considered you to be my sister. I loved you. What did you do? You fucked my boyfriend. You betrayed me. You hurt me. You fucked me over. I thought I could trust you. I was clearly wrong.

One final piece of paper was taking out of my journal. I only wrote goodbye.

I turned towards my camera and turned it on. The red light flickered. I stared into the lens and exhaled slowly.

"Today, I die." I paused for a long time. I absorbed what I had just said.

"Today, I am going to kill myself. Everyone in the world has done me wrong. My mother, father, friends, anyone really. My entire family has fucked me over. More importantly," I paused once more and lowered my head, "my best friend and my boyfriend fucked me over."

I stared at the floor and sniffled. I didn't want to cry. It was pathetic to cry over everything that has happened but life was finally taking its toll on me.

"Because of you guys, the ones I loved the most, the ones who were supposed to love me, care for me, cherish me, I am going to end it all."

I got up and walked away. I grabbed a razor blade and headed back to my bed.

"Do you see this?" I said as I held the blade to the camera. "This is what you've driven me to. You have all made my life such a living fucking hell that I can't think of an alternative. I need to do this."

I held my wrist to the camera and slid the blade across my skin without much force. It glided smoothly and tore through my skin with ease allowing the crimson blood to flow from the wound into the open air. The pain was bittersweet.

"This is your guys' fault. I hope you feel sorry for doing it."

I held the bleeding wrist to the camera and began to slide the blade in horizontal rows across my wrist leaving a few centimeters between each cut. I began to bleed worse. My arm stung terribly. I stared into the camera lens.

"The pain I feel now hurts, but it is far less than what you've all made me feel on a day to day basis. You've hurt me more than I've hurt myself."

Those were my last words before I raised the blade to my throat and drug it across my skin as quickly as possible, digging deep into my neck.