The Suicide Equation

Chapter Twenty Nine - The Downfall

I went deep into the woods. I passed by several groups of kids. It was typical for where I lived for the rebellious teens to flock to the trees. They hid among the foliage and got as high as they pleased.

I wanted to partake in their activities but I couldn't bring myself to smoke. I've been so clean for so long. I don't need it.

I kept my mind on one thought to dilute the temptations.

Run away as far as you can and start a new life somewhere.

That's what I decided I was going to do. I was going to cross the woods and leave Michigan. The woods won't break me across state lines, it won't even get me into a new city. It's a start though.

I kept walking. I kicked a few discarded beer cans and glass bottles out of my way. This place was very common amongst teens, so there was a lot of litter. They rarely took care of their trash.

I found a lighter on the ground. A lighter didn't mean I was smoking, it could've been for fire. So I picked it up. The red BIC lighter was now mine.

I kept walking. I flicked the lighter a few times to see if I could get a light. I could, the lighter worked. If I had to camp out in the woods for a few days, I'd have an easy fire starter.

Hours passed. I didn't know what time it was. I am a train wreck. I am the farthest thing from stable.

I got lost in he silence of the woods aside from the occasional stoner outburst and animal noises. My mind started to drift to the back of my thoughts. Those thoughts that I kept repressed.

You've been raped, beaten, bruises, hurt, betrayed, and put through hell. How are you alive?

"I don't know," I said out loud, "I really don't know."

You know, how much does it hurt, Vi? How badly do the pain hurt you?

"Pretty fucking badly," I whispered to myself.

Is it a daily thing? You know it is. You wake up sweating from the nightmares of the rapes. You can't sleep in the dark because you're scared someone will return to hurt you once more.

"Shut up..." I said assertively but under my breath.

Think about it, as okay as you want to say you are, you'll never be okay. You will always be that girl that didn't have a good life. You were hurt so much. Do you know why?

"Why....?"

Because, nobody loves you. Nobody wants you.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I was shouting aimlessly at myself.

As I was yelling at myself, a group of kids emerged from the trees.

"Hey, are you okay?" One asked.

"Do you need help?" A second one shouted.

I looked in their direction. It was a group of stoners I passed. They were the closet to me, but they must of not been smoking yet. I don't think they would care if they were high.

"No..." I said.

"Well what's wrong?" The boy I the front asked. He was dressed like a bum. Jeans with holes all over, a dirty jacket, and a old pair of Converse.

"My life is a living hell."

"Isn't it for all of us?"

"I just want to forget about it for a while."

"We could help you with that." With his words he looked at me and smirked.

"What could you do?"

The boy opened his back pack and threw a bowl at me.

"You smoke?" He asked.

"I used to..."

"Well why'd you stop?"

"I don't know..."

"Well it will help, I promise." He was still smirking and creeping closer to me.

I lost what was left of my pride and self respect. I sat down at the base of a tree, packed the bowl, raised it to my lips, looked at the boys, and began smoking for the first time in so long. It was a instant rush of bittersweet relaxation. I knew it was wrong but it felt so right.

I had no intentions of stopping. After a few more hits, I was feeling a lot more loose, and I asked if they had anything else. The boy he threw me the bowl gave me a few lines of cocaine. I felt fucking amazing.

After the rest of their weed, Coke, and several bottles of Vodka were gone, I was fucked up beyond repair. I was going to stay in my daze for hours on end.

I didn't care what happened. The boy who was so kind was on top of me and kissing my neck while sliding his hands up my shirt. Before I knew it, my pants were off, he was thrusting into me, and the other boys were lining up. There was six total. I didn't give a single fuck. I lied back, blacked out, and was their toy.

I woke in the morning. My head was throbbing. I didn't know what happened. I was naked and their was cum all over my stomach. I was scared. I can't the conclusion that I made someone's night.

I looked at my phone, I had just two texts. One attachment, and one message.

Hey Violet, last night was great. Thanks for that ;) here's the video.

I dreadfully opened the attached video. There I was, on the dirt, being used and abused by six boys. They all took three turns with me before leaving me in the dirt, covered in their fluids, naked.

I cried. I was raped, again. I remembered that j broke my clean streak, I relapsed.

Fuck.... I thought to myself. I got up, redressed, and turned around. I was going to go back home. No matter where I went, I couldn't escape what I was running from. I'd always be in pain. There was no hiding from being hurt, it's going to happen no matter what I do.