The Suicide Equation

Chapter Ten - The Bus

The school day went by the same way it always does. I walk down the halls as a nervous wreck who hates everyone in the building but a single person, yet everyone else reflects the hate back at me, even the one I don't hate. The teaches didn't like me, so they ignored me in classes. My pupils didn't like me, so they pushed me around like a rag doll. It wasn't the best but I had no other options.

I stuck out the day. I went to the baby room and cried in a stall a few times. I scratched and clawed at my skin and wondered if I was even worth the air I breathed. I didn't think I was.

When the final bell rang I went to walk to the busses. I was always the last person on the bus because I had an assigned seat. No one ever sat there because they knew it was Violet's Seat. I was always alone and I hated it. I watched Shawn get on the bus from a distance. He always sat in the middle so there was no way I could talk to him.

Once I got on the bus I hung my head in sadness and sat down. Something felt different, someone was in my seat. I didn't even look up, I just started talking.

"Hey, asshole, get out of my seat."

"Well damn, Violet, hello to you to."

That voice, it sounds like Shawn's.

"Wait, what?"

I looked up and saw Shawn sitting in the same seat as me. He didn't look to happy but there he was, right next to me. I smiled a bit and got lost in his hazel eyes.

"What? What's wrong, Violet?"

"Why are you sitting here with me?"

"It was the first open seat."

"So? You always share a seat."

"I decided against it. I wanted a open seat."

"Well you know I sit here everyday."

"I do now."

He lied; The green frog with the words Violet Rose etched across in old, faded sharpie was very obvious above the seat. There wasn't a way he could miss it but I sign question him.

"Okay, soooo, how are you?"

"A little shocked."

"Oh, why?"

"Because you're talking to me."

"Well, I'm being polite."

"Oh, well you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to."

"I know, but I like to be nice."

"Well, Violet, I'm honestly pretty boring. So, since I can't hold a conversation, mind if I show you something?"

I wondered what he wanted to show me and nodded my head; He pulled out his cell phone and opened KIK.

"There was this weird conversation I had last night and I wondered if you could help me figure it out."

I raised an eyebrow in suspicion and nodded once more. He handed me his black iPhone 4s and I scrolled through his texts.

They seemed awfully familiar. Almost like deja vu. I read them all before coming to the realization of who he was texting.

"Oh my fucking God!" I said as I dropped his phone and hid my face away in my black hoodie.

"What?" He said, laughing.

"Those were all from me... To you."

"Yeah, yeah they were."

"How come you didn't stop me?"

"I was bored, haha!"

"I'm so fucking embarrassed." My face was red as a tomato and I could feel the warmth come from my cheeks.

"Don't be, it was funny."

"Why'd you show these to me?"

"To have you explain them."

"Well uh.. They don't mean anything! I was high went I sent them!"

"I believe that but I still think they mean something. You should fess up, Violet."

I was growing more and more embarrassed with every word he spoke.

"Well, I'm telling you the truth. They don't mean shit."

"Suuuureeee, whatever you say, kid."

I hated being called kid, especially by someone younger than me. I was sixteen and he was fifteen. We are in the same grade because I got held back in the second grade. For some reason, I couldn't be mad at him.

The rest of the bus ride was filled with petty small talk. It didn't motivate me to want to talk to him anymore.

I went home and lied down and cried. I didn't have a chance with him and I've embarrassed the living hell out of myself. What the fuck was I supposed to do?

I lied in bed staring at my ceiling as I sipped on Vodka. The onsetting numbing clouded my mind for the night but in the morning I only thought of him.

Shawn was on my mind all the time if I was sober. Why the hell couldn't I shake him?

He doesn't want you. You know he doesn't. I thought to myself. You're just a fat, good-for-nothing, druggie whore! He deserves better than you!!

I was crushed by my own mind again. I couldn't think positively about myself for a second. I was as I thought. I had too many scars and stretch marks. I had too many fat rolls. I weighed too much. I did too many drugs and I drank like a fish.

If I wanted any chance in hell with Shawn, I'd need to change myself. I started writing down what I needed to change and the list has its fair share of good ideas but too many bad ones.

•Lose weight
•Quit drugs
•Stop drinking
•Get rid of stretch marks
•Be a nicer person
•Be faithful

It seemed like a good start but after reading it over it sounded like more harm then good but I didn't care. Anything for Shawn.