The Suicide Equation

Chapter Thirteen - Shawn's Point Of View

I got to school and didn't pay much attention in class. Sure, I got enough in so that I knew what do for the day, but after my instruction I spaced out.

By the end of the day, I could have a girlfriend.

That thought was bizarre. I haven't been with anyone in two whole years. I dated Mariah in the seventh grade, that was a mistake. I then got with Sandy in the eight grade. She wasn't as big a mistake to me, but I was to her.

Funny thing is, Mariah was my first girlfriend. She was short and very skinny. To be honest, she had too many problems. I know that sounds terrible, but she was Anorexic, Bulimic, Depressed, Anxious, she self harmed, and she regularly abused marijuana. All that in a thirteen year old girl? That's way too much.

She presented herself in a bad manner too. She wore shirt that were low cut around the neck so all you could see was her boobs. Her cleavage was out in the open for everyone to lay their eyes upon. She waisted showing them off, as they were very large for her age. She developed early on.

Mariah tended to dye her hair every other week. When I first met her, she had a bloody red hair color with streaks of purple in it. The next week it was bleached blonde and had black streaks in it. She dyed her hair whatever color she could; Blue, Green, Orange, Red, Black, Gray, you name it, she's probably done it.

She was a scene queen. No one really likes her and she didn't have many friends. She wore all black clothing that was faded and had cuts and rips and holes everywhere. She wore studded jewelry and rainbow colored beaded bracelets on each of her wrist. Her wrist were covered in the beaded bracelets and rubber wrist band with a band names on them.

She talked in a manner that was very, very friendly. She raised the pitch of her voice and would always start conversation. She made it so you couldn't avoid her or ignore her; if she wanted to talk to you, it was gonna happen.

Our mutual friend, Shannon, told me she had feelings for me. I didn't know what to say to that but I decided sense a girl liked me, I liked her. It was the seventh grade and I had never been with anyone or kissed anyone yet everyone else has. I felt left out so I was determined to fit in.

I walked up to her in the gymnasium during lunch period. She saw me and stood up, Shannon followed her. She put her hands behind her back and looked at me, smiled, and said aloud "Well, Shawn, do you have anything to say to me?"

I nodded and asked her to go out with me. Of course, she said yes, threw her arms around me, squeezed the living hell out of my fat, short, body, and said she loved me. Shannon let out an awe at the sight.

Two months into my first relationship, we had broken up once a week at least. If there was a fight, we broke up. She wasn't easy to be with. She divulged a secret of hers to me weekly via hand written note. She was a wreck.

After our two months came to an end, I learned she had sent nude photos to other guys and flirted with everyone. I was hurt and had to let her go. My first girlfriend ruined me.

Then there was Sandy. Sandy came out to me out of the blue during school hours and tried to sell me weed. That's how we started talking. Behind straight edge, I took her number rather than the drugs. I texted her and we hit it off.

I had known her since the fifth grade but we started talking in seventh. It turned out she had a crush on my since the begging of middle school, and I had the same feelings.

She was the opposite of Mariah; she was taller than I, had long, natural colored hair, wore the beaded bracelets (that were black and white), and had a few piercings. She also was a bit on the heavier side but nothing unhealthy.

We confessed our feelings and I asked her out over a text message. We dated for only a week. In that week, I fell in love with her. She had her fair share of problems yet I was used to that after dating Mariah.

She left me on a Friday saying that she just wasn't ready for a relationship. Really, she lied to me so she could get with a boy in our grade who she had a crush on that was much better than me. He was more attractive, buff, had nicer hair and clothes, and was funnier. He was the superior choice.

After my first two relationships, I had been hurt and heart broken. I was convinced I'd never find love again. I was sure I wasn't good enough. I had hair that was longer then the average male but not too long, just about half the length my neck was covered by my hair. I also had ear piercings. I figured I looked like a fat emo kid and figured no one would like me.

When Violet started coming on to me, I was shocked that someone could actually have a crush on me. After telling her to ask me out, I was very nervous. My biggest fear is that she was kidding or that I'd mess up and say no.

I got onto the bus and sat down in bed assigned seat. The bus driver gave me the familiar glare that shouted I don't approve of you or your little friend, Violet. I stated out the window and awaited the girl of my dreams.

I was determined to have a girlfriend by the time I got off this bus.