The Suicide Equation

Chapter Twenty Eight - What Now?

I had no intentions on leaving the bathroom for awhile. I locked the door. I plugged my phone into a speaker and blared music. I turned the shower on as hot as it could get and walked in. I slide down the wall and let the water hit me.

"What the fuck happened?" I asked. "Why me? Why did this all happen and why did it happen to me?" I cupped my face and cried.

"Why did he have to cheat on me? Why did i have to post it? Why did he have to... Rape...Me?" I kept asking for answers but couldn't get one.

"What now? What can I do?" I looked around my shower. There was bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash lining a wall. There were a few razors and a mirror. I looked at he razors.

My lip quivered as I reached over and grabbed one. I just held it in my hand and gripped it tighter and tighter as I thought.

Is it worth it? I've been clean for a long time... Should I just throw all that time away? I've been good for so long and now it seems like it really doesn't matter... I feel like I should just do it. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like whatever I do to myself is what I had coming.

I took the razor apart. I broke off the news and ripped out a blade. It cut into my finger a bit but not enough to do anymore but draw a bit of blood.

I gripped the blade between my fingers. I flipped it back and forth and twirled it between my fingertips.

Is it worth it? Is it really worth it?

I couldn't think of an answer. As much as I wanted to say yes, I wanted to say no. As much as I wanted to do it, I wanted to drop the blade. I didn't know what to do.

What now?

That's the only thought I could muster.

What now?

I threw my head back and let the hot water run down my face and burn me. I cried more and gripped the blade tighter between my fingers. I was stuck in a cycle of hopelessness.

Maybe I should just do it...

I sat there with my eyes closed and cried harder with each second that ticked away. I stood up and dried myself off and managed to walk to my bedroom. I was shaking.

I lied down in my bed and stared at my ceiling. I've found myself in the position time and time again. This is where I can think clearly.

I looked around my room but my eyes kept resting straight ahead. My ceiling was all I could focus on as I thought.

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't! There was no way I could throw away my time. I've done so well lately. I haven't relapsed. I haven't hurt myself in any way. I'm stronger than that.

I picked up my phone and opened KIK. I had a few messages from several people. One of them was from Shawn. My heart stopped when I read his name. I reluctantly clicked his contact.

Hey Vi ;)

Yeah?

Well how are you?

I'm fine.

Oh come on now, talk to me.

I'm.
Fine.

I know there's something more.

Nope.

Tell.

It's nothing.

Well how about I talk?

Go ahead..

I know exactly how you feel.

What?

I know that right now you're beyond upset. You feel dirty, worthless, and used. You feel violated. You feel fucked up.

I gripped my phone tightly when I read his text and choked by tears. He was exactly right.

So?

I'm glad you feel like that.

What?

You deserve it, Hun.

I just stared at my phone. What did he mean? How did I deserve what he did to me?

Huh???

You deserved it. It's as simple as that.

Could you explain?

Sure.
You're a whore.

I was baffled and holding my emotions inside.

Huh?

You think I don't know? You've cheated on me so many times during our relationship. You've cheated before, you know you have. You've told me of the times you've cheated on past partners. Like they say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." You can't stay faithful. You can't stay to one guy or girl. You need attention from whoever will give it to you. You want to be fucked every other hour. You want to have everyone's attention twenty four seven. Violet, you're a whore. How you don't have a STI or how you're not pregnant is beyond me. You're just a good for nothing whore.

I dropped my phone and threw my hands up to my face and let it all out. I started bawling. I was sobbing in my room with my phone in front of me, slowly getting wet. The tears dripped from my hands onto my phone.

Really?

Yes. You know it. Think about it.

K.

I threw my phone across my room. It made a large thud against my wall and fell to the floor. I rolled over and threw my face into my pillow and screamed. I couldn't take it.

"Fuck this!" I shouted into my pillow. "Fuck every last thing about this! Fuck my life, fuck my family, fuck my friends, fuck everyone! No one fucking wants me and no one will ever love me! I'm good for nothing and fucking worthless!"

The words stung as they came out of my mouth. My stomach twisted into knots and my heart dropped. My hands clenched into fists and beat my mattress. My pillow was soaked in my tears.

"I'm not fucking worth it!" I screamed one last time before standing up and walking out of my room.

I got up and walked straight out the door. I had my backpack with me. I headed towards the woods. I didn't look back. I refused to. I didn't want to see my past ever again.