I Never Told You

18

Emily and Stacie were quiet when they came in last night and they were quiet now. Stacie had the look on her face like she had a secret that she wasn't supposed to tell but desperately needed to tell it. We all got ready quietly. No one really said a word except for the occasional "zip me up" or "this looks okay, right?". The conversation never got passed a few words.

And it was my fault. I should have ignored my feelings. This week wasn't supposed to be about Chloe and I but it some how always ends up about us.

Stacie glances my way through her reflection in the mirror. Emily walks into the bathroom and shuts the door. Stacie turns around rather quickly. I turn to face her.

"Spill." I tell her trying to be as quiet as possible. Stacie takes a few more steps closer to me, distancing herself from the bathroom.

"Okay Emily didn't want to say anything but you need to know this." Stacie whispers quickly, glancing back at the bathroom every so often. "Chloe and that girl were just a little fling. The girl apparently told her that it was clear Chloe wasn't over her ex and Chloe agreed so they ended it." Stacie tells me. I sit down on the edge of the bed, trying to process all of this. They broke up. Chloe isn't over me. She is single. I told her to stay away from me. I still love her.

"God dammit, you told her." Emily sighs walking out of the bathroom. I place one hand on my chest where the necklace is. I didn't want to wear it but I couldn't leave it sitting in the drawer. "Beca." Emily says waving her hand in front of my face. I grab her wrist and move it away from me.

"She probably hates me now." I finally get out. I place my head in my hands. "Oh my god." I whisper to myself more than anyone else. I look up Stacie and Emily who are staring at me with concerned looks on their faces. "I need to talk to her." I exclaim jumping up. I remember a little too late that I am wearing heels. I face plant. Emily and Stacie help me up. "Thanks." I mumble fixing my dress. I straighten myself out. (A/N Lol has she ever been straight).

"Why don't you wait until after the wedding to talk to Chloe." Stacie suggests clearly trying to get back on Emily's good side.

"Yea okay." I nod my head as I grab the rest of my stuff. Stacie turns to Emily to give her a kiss on the cheek but she gets rejected. Not soon enough, Emily announces its time to get going. We meet the rest of the girls down in the lobby. Chloe stands next to Jessica and Ashley. They talk quietly until they notice us or I guess probably me. Chloe looks towards me and gives me a, well, a pity smile. It the smile that says I know you are hurting and I'm sorry.

"Cabs here!" Someone exclaims right as Chloe was about to say something to me. We spilt up into two groups considering we are too big of a group to fight into one can. One by one, we pile into the cab. All the significant others make sure they are in the same cab. I'm about to climb into one right behind Flo when an arm jerks me back and pushes me towards the other one. Emily and Jessica both smile at me and give me a little nod. I climb into the cab and close the door. I know that perfume anywhere. Chloe.

Emily and Stacie keep an eye on both of us so we don't really get the chance to talk. I wouldn't even know where to begin. There are so many things I want to say but yet only one question I need answered. Would I start with I still love you? Or is that too much for the start? Maybe start with I'm sorry for blowing up on you yesterday. Maybe tell her how she deserves the world and I don't know if I can give that to her. Chloe deserves so much and throughout our whole relationship I was terrified I wasn't enough and I wasn't giving her what she deserved. I just wanted to give her the very best and I tried so hard to give her that. Maybe that's why she became so distant. There are so many things I want to say to the girl I love but I don't know how to start.

"Can we talk later?" I finally ask Chloe. I lean pretty close to her trying to keep Emily and Stacie form hearing. I know they are trying to protect us but I need to talk to her before the week is over. Chloe glances over at me. She slips her hand into mine and gives it a light squeeze. Her thumb rubs over my hand. She wants to talk. "Thank you." I whisper on the verge of tears. God damn the girl and her ability to make me cry by holding my hand. I haven't felt her hand in mine in so long. I've missed this contact. I've missed her constant touching and the way she would play with my hair as we laid in bed together. Or the way she would rub my shoulders and rest her head on my neck when I was working on a new mix. I just miss her.

~~

"Thought I'd find you out here." Chloe says as she walks up next to me. She stands a distance away so I close the gap. Our arms barely touch but it's enough to make me crave everything about her. "It was such a beautiful wedding, wasn't it? Makes me think about my wedding. Well more it made me think about what our wedding would be like and then I remembered you want nothing to do with me." Chloe kinda laughs at the last part. I can hear the pain in her laugh. She shouldn't be in pain, she is the one who pushed me away. Right? I mean I'm supposed to be the one I'm pain.

"Chloe." I sign turning towards her. She doesn't return the gesture. She stands there staring out at the city.

"It's really beautiful out here." She says pretty much ignoring me. "I remember when we would look at different things, like sunsets and in aquariums, you would never actually stare at the thing you were supposed to be looking at, you were always looking at me. Even if it was just a glance. But I would always say how beautiful the thing was and you would say yes you are. God every time you did that, I fell deeper and deeper into you. I knew you would do it every time but it still made my heart race." Chloe tells me finally looking back at me.

"Then why did you push me away?" I finally build up enough courage to ask her. She doesn't say anything. She sighs and looks back at the city view before looking at me again. She pushes a few strands of hair out of my face. Her hand lingers. Her finger tips gently brushing over my skin. Her thumb just hitting my bottom lip.

"I was scared." She whispers like she is about to cry. Like how she talked to me when I was about to leave Aubrey's boot camp. The weak and brokenness is in her voice now just like it was then. "Okay, Beca, I was terrified. I was so in love with you and I didn't know how to handle it. The things I want with you, I have never wanted with anyone else and I never thought I would want half this things I want now." She pauses for a second. I prepare myself for what is about to come out of her mouth. "I was scared that you didn't want the same things that I wanted." Chloe whispers looking away from me. I run my hand through my hair. I think about the speech I prepared for this conversation but now it doesn't matter.

"I want you." I start off with not really sure where the whole thing is going. "I want your sleepy confused look when you wake up. I want to be the warmth that fills the space in your bed. I want to be the sheets your fingers crave at night; the blanket that wraps around you all night. I want to drink coffee with you, share some records we find. I want to talk about everything in the world newspapers. I want to discuss with you, to be stubborn and quick-witted with you. I want to have differences between us. I want your flaws. All of them. I want to go into the deepest corners of your mind and never get bored of you. I want to be surprised by the new all the time. I want to look at you like a movie, a living piece of art; always try jog to chase what you crave... and capture you." She starts crying and start crying. I gently reach out and wipe the tears from her eyes. "Basically, I just want you Chloe. Whatever you want, I want. I'm ready to get married and start out lives together." I tell her trying not to smile too hard. Don't need to scare her away.

"Well Beca Mitchell, who knew you could be so deep." She says laughing a little bit. Hearing her laugh makes me feel whole again. Like all the wounds that were once ripped open, are now closed.

"That's seriously all you got from that?" I exclaim trying not to laugh too hard. She shrugs her shoulders a bit. "Typical Chloe." I shake my head jokingly being disappointed in her.

"Come here you weirdo." She grabs the two sides of my jacket and pulls me into her, our lips crashing into each other. Nothing has ever made me feel better than this.