All in my head

29. more pain no glory

Cas walked in and i didnt notice till a few minutes later. She leaned against the wall next to the dangling chair and i took my earbuds out "what do you want?" I asked her and she looked at me with sympathetic eyes "how long have you known?" She asked and i counted on my fingers "bassicly a few weeks after the miscarriage" i told her "im so sorry grace" she hugged me and i sorta just stared off into a distance. One of the guys tried to walk in but cas shooed them away and slide against the wall onto the floor "im so sorry grace" she told me

"It's not your fault, it's no ones fault but mine." I said and she gave me a sad look. "Was there anything we could've done?" She asked and I shook my head. "It was my choice, and mine alone. My actions cause me this, it's no one else's burden but mine." There was a few moments of silence between us, and I pet the cats head and she purred.

She ran her fingers through her hair "is there anything at all we can do how can we help?" She asked and i shrugged. She looked over at the attached bathroom in the bedroom and muttered "be right back" i heard her throw up for the second time today " you okay?" I asked her and she nodded and came back. "So are there any appointments at the hospital for you or something i mean they cant just leave you"

"There's nothing they can do.... It's a wait and watch kind of thing..." I trailed off, my emotions going blank. "Cas.... Are you pregnant?" I whisper and she started laughing. "No, my god no, I'm not pregnant." She laughed and then I eyed her carefully. "You have the pregnancy glow to you. Your getting sick.... Cas were getting you a test."

"No im not pregnant im sure of it" she told me and I shook my head "did you and one of the guys you know?" She started laughing "that made me sound like such a slut!!" She told me and i started laughing too "im serious though"

"I umm... Cc and I did..." She mumbled and I laughed "Awww." I mumbled and the door opened. Paul and cc stood there. Not really knowing what to say or do. "You guys gonna move or?" I asked and we all laughed.

Cc eyed cassidy and she started shaking "you heard us didnt you?" She slowly asked and cc nodded she broke down crying "im so sorry" she got up and walked downstairs into the bath room and locked up. Paul looked at me "is the pain getting better?" He asked "just a bit" i told him

"I'm so sorry darlin." He said and walked over. "Don't be, non of this is anyone's fault but mine. I'm the dumb ass that got in this situation." He picked me up out of the chair and gave me a big hug. He reached out for the blanket, and wrapped it around me. No words were being spoken between us.

He kissed my forehead and held me close. We heard footsteps and cc walked out of the room

Cas's POV

I ran into the bathroom. How stupid could i really be. Im not even eighteen yet i cant raise a child! Cc knocked on the door "go away" i said between cries "please cas just open the door" i didn't move just curled up in a ball putting my head on my legs

The door opened slowly and cc stepped in. "Baby girl, I promise I'm gonna be here for you, no matter what. I love you." He sat on the ground and pulled me close to him. "Do you want me to pick up a test for you?" He asked and I nodded, not trusting my voice. He kissed my forehead and I closed my eyes. "I'll be back in a few darlin. I'll send Andy and ash up to look after you and keep you company while I'm out."

I slowly looked down and grace walked up to me and i wiped my face. She hugged me "hey its not that bad" she said and i quickly shook my head "ik not even 18! I still have to get a job and everything the guys will be on tour!" I started rambling to her "what are you going to do if its positive?" She asked and i shrugged. I really didnt know and didn't want to think of it

"Hey, we could help you know." She said and I laughed "oh god, the two of us trying to raise a kid. That would be one fucked up kid." We laughed "that emo trinity baby." She laughed and I rolled my eyes. "Seriously though, I'm here for you. So is Paul."

"I really dont want a kid though i cant do this" i muttered and looked at my wrist with the caleb tatoo engraved into it and i started tracing it crying "if only he was here i miss him so much" i started shaking and sobbing

Grace gave me a side hug, and kept mumbling "it'll be okay, I'm here for you. Your family is here for you." Soon we heard foot steps and a small voice "hey, I'm back darlin." Cc said and both of us looked up at him. He handed Grace the bag with multiple test boxes in them. She put them beside me and gave me another hug. "Call of you need me, I won't be that far away." And she got up off the floor and left. Cc leaned against the door and sighed "it'll be okay baby girl. I promise."

I started shaking again "i cant do this" i kept repeating to myself "im so sorry cc, can you go out for a second" i told him, i sat down for a second if its negative ill just tell him if its positive ill tell him its negative and run to the store and get abortion pills i thought to myself. No that isnt right i cant do that to him... can i?

I did the things for the test and set a timer for 5 minuets. I texted Grace Cas: can you come in here?
It took a few seconds to get a reply
Grace: on my way.
A few seconds latter the door was opened and closed. "Hey." She said and side hugged me, looking down at the test. "2 minuets." She mumbled and then I sighed "I think I might get abortion pills." I mumbled and she shook her head. "Cas.... Think about it before you do it. I was In this spot not to long ago.... Are you sure you could do that?"

I nodded my head "i can't raise a kid grace im 17! The guys are always on tour and i cant have a kid knowing that i dont want it...if i wanted one it would be planned i didnt want to have kids at all..." i trailed off "you might change your mind" the whole subject dropped when cc walked in and whispered to me "all because Dickachew" i blushed and started giggling "cc!" I scolded him

Grace burst out laughing, holding onto the counter. "Oh my god! I can't what? I don't even want to know." She said laughing hysterically. "Babe you alright?" I heard Paul say and she shook her head. "Nope, remind me to not let your Pokemon play anytime soon." Cc and I started laughing. "Oh my." I said and the timer went off. "Want me to look?" Grace asked and I nodded. She took a deep breath and looked at them. "Cas.... 4 out of the 5 say..... Your pregnant."

"Fuck" i muttered i kept pacing back and forth through the bathroom "what a shame the grooms bride is a whore" i muttered and grace started laughing. I walked outside and sat on the steps and ran back inside "going to timmies" i texted grace and cc and drove to the closest pharmacy and picked up a shit ton of pills. The cashier gave me a disapproving look. Once i got back home i ran into my bedroom and ripped the package. Fuck instructions and took all of them at once and sat down on the bed shaking but hid the packages

My vision was going black, and my shaking got extreme. "CAS!" I heard cc yell and then I heard someone.... Probably Grace, screaming. Not screaming words just screaming. And then everything went silent. No noise, complete darkness, no pain. I felt relieved, but a blinding light woke me, and a wall of pain slammed into my head and stomach.