Of Fire and Ice

C.51

Everyone else was at the guild and I was lying on my stomach staring at the wall and wallowing in depression and slight self-loathing again. Soon it got too quiet for just me and my thoughts, so I put one song on repeat.

The team came back and found me staring at the wall with music blasting out of the speakers.

"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat
I fucked your mom..."

Grey went over and turned the music off and I raised my head from it being buried in the couch cushion again. I blinked my eyes lazily to see the whole team here.

"Oh. Hi." I said and put my face back. "Henley, are you going to tell us why you're being so mopey all of a sudden?" Grey asked. "It's nothing." I said, but it was muffled. "Huh?" Lucy asked. I raised my head again. "It's nothing. Don't worry about me." I said and Natsu came over and picked me up by my arms pinned at my sides.

My eyes widened as he stared at me, looking a little angry. "Look, Henley, you're a member of our team. We're best friends and family. When one of us feels down, all of us feel down. So you better tell us what's up right now before I force it out of ya." He said and I rolled my eyes.

"Do you have to take every single moment and make it heartwarming and meaningful? It's getting a little old." I mumbled and he shook me a little.

"Natsu, put her down." Lucy said and he set me back on my feet. Lucy came over and held my arms. "Henley, come on, just tell us what's up?" She asked softly. I took her hands off me and held them with a smile. "I'm fine. I promise." I said with a nod and she looked at me with eyes that said she didn't believe me at all.

I pulled away and immediately bumped into Grey. "Hen, please?" He begged and I sighed. "I'm okay, I swear." I said and went up to my room and locked the door.

I looked over at my bed where the saddest fucking book I'd ever known was propped up against my pillow. I went over to my desk and picked up a pen and opened the drawer and took out what I had written so far.

Basically, it was about a girl who had a pretty good life. Roommate, boyfriend, and friends who cared about her. She wasn't poor, she had a loving sister, but there was only one problem. She couldn't feel.

She couldn't feel happy when something good happened. She couldn't feel angry or mad at something or someone. She couldn't feel sad, or even depressed by this. She just shook feelings and emotions off without even knowing it. She smiled and laughed with her friends, but she couldn't actually feel happiness or joy.

The saddest part is, she thought she could feel all her life, just like everybody else. Until one day she realised, "all my emotions feel the same." And she realised something was wrong.

It kind of relates to me right now. Just a little.

And now I realise that something is wrong with me.