Souls You Can't Save

Orientation

After I had gotten ready, I trudged down the stairs to the kitchen. I walked past the kitchen, ready to go put on my shoes, hoping my mother wouldn't notice. No such luck.

"Honey, come get breakfast!! I made french toast!"

I internally groaned. My mother insists that I eat breakfast, even though it makes me sick.

"Not hungry mom." I shouted back as I laced up my converse. Having nothing else to do, I took my phone out of my pocket. 37 texts from my group chat with my best friends. This is why I hate texting. Reading through the conversations, I found that Jade would be at my house in 3 minutes to get a ride to orientation.

Going on Instagram, I scrolled thoughtlessly through my feed until I got bored and looked out the window. 

As she saw my face, she squealed and ran up to the door, doing our secret knock. I knocked back. 

"Hey Jade. Ready to go?" I inquired.

"No," she sulked. "I don't think I'll ever be ready for school."

-------------------------------------------

As we pulled into the parking lot of Lincoln Middle School, my thoughts flooded with hate. 

All I was able to associate school with was hate. 

I hated the people.

I hated the teachers. 

I hated all of it. 

Don't take any of that the wrong way, I loved learning, I just wished to do it in a place where people didn't make me want to kill myself. 

Middle school has been actual hell.

*Flashback*

"Jade, Nevaeh" I spoke tears threatening to pour out of my eyes. I'd known Jade for a while, and I wanted to be able to trust her with this. On the other hand, I'd known Nevaeh nearly my whole life, and I wanted to tell her too.

"Celeste, what is it?!?!?" Jade pleaded worriedly. "I swear to god you can tell me anything."

At this point I had been crying. They knew my past with my family, and I trusted both of them more than any of my adoptive family. They knew about the abuse, the neglect, the fights, the foster parents, the adoption, everything. Why couldn't i tell my best friends something as simple as this? It's not like they would hate me....I don't think.....

"Nevaeh, Jade, " I breathed deeply, recollecting myself. "I...I think I like girls....but I also like boys....I'm so confused, I don't know what's wrong with me." I started to cry again.

Jade just sat there looking at me, a smile slowly spreading across her face.

Nevaeh looked shocked, but I saw no hate in her dark gaze. 

"Oh my god, Celeste. You're bi."

Now, I was really confused. I thought I was lesbian? But I still like guys. God I can't even get attraction right. I really am just a fuck up. Jade must have seen my confused expression, because she continued to explain.

"Bi. Bisexual. It means you like girls AND guys. There's nothing wrong with you, Celeste. You're just bi. And I don't hate you, you're still my best fucking friend. I just wanna know why you didn't tell me sooner?"

"I don't know"

Nevaeh just hugged me, and told me she was so proud of me for realizing that I was bi.

I was bi. 

--------------------------------

I shuddered. I didn't want to remember what happened after that. 

That was only 6th grade, and every year of middle school went really shitty after that. I hated public school, and the only thing I went there for were my only true friends, and to learn. 

I stepped out of the car into the warm August air, with just a hint of fall in it. I sighed deeply as I prepared myself for walking through those doors. 

This was it.

This was life. 

And I'm just a soul you can't save.