Souls You Can't Save

Color

AN// so this is like a half chapter half authors note but idk help//

the other day, I was scrolling through my TimeHop and memories on Instagram, and one image popped up that completely ruined me.

a picture of all my cuts. my whole arm. I've made so much progress in the past year, and I'm so proud, but that picture ruined me.

I posted a three part explanation on one of my accounts on Instagram. I felt the need to apologize, but first I needed to get it all off my chest.

it was time.

---------------------

it's been exactly a year.... I remember sitting in the car for 12.5 hours with my mom on the way to Kids Arts Revue dance competition, every ounce of my life being ripped away and inspected. everything was out in the open. my room searched, my friends questioned.

I got put in isolation and therapy against my will. all contact with the outside world snatched away from June 2015 to October 2015. I didn't come out of my room. I didn't eat. I lost 20 pounds in a month, vomited almost daily because I refused to get better.

my parents found out that I overdosed 3 times, and made me paint over the drawings in my closet. Drawings and ravings of a depressed suicidal teenager. They never found my sketchbooks, some of which have my blood in the drawings, and I never thought I'd tell anyone that.

one boy, wanted to help. visited my window every day, just to find the blinds shut, music blaring.

my tormentors, one thought to be a friend, the other I still can't stand.

my best friend doesn't know it, but she saved my life.

that boy doesn't know it, I hope the best for him.

that girl doesn't know it, but I worry constantly about every decision I make because I love her so much. I could never dream of hurting her.....

my friends don't know it, but they brought me out of such a dark place.

I love you all. (part1)

------------------

The next post was a dedication post, with little personal notes to everyone I care about, and even some that I don't. Most of you have already read this, but for those of you that haven't:

Nevaeh:

im sorry you feel this way. you were there for me in ways you didnt even know, and you saved my life without your knowledge. you're the only friend that's been constant in my life and i can't imagine losing you ever, but i've said that to people i lost, so lets not jinx it. I know that my joking makes you feel insecure and pissed off, and I really tried to stop after you told me, but I have an asshole complex, so once I get started, I can't stop. I'm so sorry you're hurt, and I'm so sorry I can't give you the love you deserve, because I can't fill that gap.

Kia:

you're not hurting me. i don't care how many times i have to tell you, you're my escape. the reason i stop hurting. it puts the flame back in me just to see you. I know we're both figuring shit out, and the reason i didn't do *the thing* is because i want you to be comfortable. I love you so much more than you can ever understand. You're the only thing in my life that I'm sure of. Looking at you, looking at your arm, I've cried. I don't want you to be hurt. I will fight everyone on the planet who has ever hurt you. Even though I'm a godddamn noodle.

Cliffe and Will:

hey assholes, only one of you will read this, but you guys have brought a lot of light into my life with your sucky humor. I know none of you think you're worth it, and i sound like every other dumbass on the planet saying this, but im here for you and i love you. don't go a-changin.

Quinn:

im sorry that you wasted your time with me. Im sorry i couldnt give you my all. I'm sorry I wasn't who you wanted. I wish the best for you in life, and even if you don't care about me any more, I am still heartbroken that you're moving, because you were still a part of my life, and i'm so sad to see you go.

Patrick:

You've probably stopped reading, but in case you still do, i'm sorry you hate me. I'm sorry we can't be friends. I'm sorry you're pissed at me because you think I stole your girlfriend. But that doesn't give you the goddamn RIGHT. or ENTITLEMENT. to GO AROUND THE SCHOOL. AND FUCKING OUT ME TO EVERYONE. Yes, I know it was you, because every person that has asked me since june 6th "Who are you dating?" has told me your name  when I ask them who implied my sexuality. You have no right.

Max:

little brother, im sorry im not there. im sorry i cant help. you sat outside my window waiting for me, and i joke about the very things that make you heartbroken. you don't bother me, honey. I just wish we could all get better. I'm sorry i cant make you happy. its just not my place.

Xavier:

i dont know if you'll read this, but you stuck with me through everything with my mom last year, and im so grateful for all the laughs and good times and supportive wisdom. dont change, not even for your conservative christian parents. keep doing you, because I need you in my life to keep me positive and send me super random gay ass videos of you singing along to girly pop songs. you have no idea how grateful I am for you.

Kax:

you should know that I think you're cute and funny even though you don't think so, and my proof? I had a huge crush on you at the beginning of the year but gave up when you started dating that girl, sooo -_- don't even get me started boy. I need you to be aware that you're not alone in this world, and that you can always come to me. I will never judge you, and I will never disown you for anything.

Gem:

Hey cousin, I know you probably didn't know most of the stuff from part one, and I'm sorry you ever had to know. If you ever feel like that, please please please come to me, because I know that although I'm not all knowing, I've at least been in your position. Thanks for being there with me to just fangirl over Charlie Bradbury and ScarJo, and talk about JustGayThingsTM. much love.

Jade:

I want you to know that I've never hated you, and no matter how much I insult you, it's me trying to get over the fact that we're not friends anymore. I miss you, and I want to be friends so bad, but I'm never getting into a onesided relationship with you again. People like you are the reason I have trust issues. I trusted you, and you shattered me in one fucking day.

----------

(part3)
maybe bad things are just destined to happen to me in June?
last year, my privacy was ripped from me, and this year it's happening again, only a different reason.
last year, I stopped hiding my emotions.
this year, I stopped hiding my sexuality.
my parents still don't get it, and that's okay. I'm still hiding it from assholes at school, and the conservative Christian bigots in my community, but I'm comfortable around my family.
this year my goal is to love myself, and I know it's not going to plan out perfectly, because there's always going to be self doubt, and self conscious-ness, but at least I can try.

-------------