Souls You Can't Save

A Confessional

I'm so sorry I haven't been writing, I thought that it would be a good idea to step away for a while and then I realized that writing is a great outlet for stress, and I'm so fucking fed up with everything that's happening right now that I really just need to write. 

So here's the chapter you've been waiting for kiddos.

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It's been roughly a month since Spring Break ended, and man, shit's gone crazy.

I've been struggling for months about whether or not I want to be in a relationship, and I finally realized why I was so uncomfortable. Yes, I loved Quinn, but that doesn't mean it was the same love he had for me. I can sit here and listen to bigots call me a player and unfaithful, but I never cheated. My realization put me at peace, that my love for him was as a brother and a friend, and I really just wanted him to be happy, because everyone deserves at least that, right?

Another realization came quickly after that. He loved me more than I loved myself, and I loved her more than I loved myself. Nothing should ever come before myself. I was jealous, jealous of Patrick. Because he had her and I didn't. I've had a fluctuating sexuality, and god is it fucking confusing. 

I had done something I promised myself I would never do. I fell in love with my best friend. Kia had become so important to me that I had no idea what I was going to do when I heard she was dating Patrick. I was devastated, too devastated to notice that my own relationship had already gone to shit. I was chasing someone who wrote sentences about me while there was someone else writing pages just over my shoulder. But I didn't have the heart to look back. 

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Kia and Patrick broke up, and everything got tense. I can't say I wasn't elated because now maybe I had a chance, but then came the dream-crushing reality.

I was in a relationship.

And Kia was straight as fuck. 

But then, one random ass day, as I was leaving Kia's house, she said to me, 

"Ok so totally out of the blue, Xavier texted me and asked me if I would ever consider being gay in any way. Like, of-fucking-course, gay people are awesome?!"

A flitter of hope. And then a big ass dream-crushing boulder. I had to get out. I thought for weeks, spent hours crying. Why couldn't I give my all to someone who only wanted me to be happy? Why couldn't I reciprocate those beautiful feelings for someone who really loved me? I can't think about this.

I felt a pull. A tug on my heart. And then, as if someone took a grapple hook, I felt like my heart had been wrenched out of my chest. I was a fuck up. There's no hope. I felt a call in my veins. I screamed at myself, 

"You're not this pathetic, Celeste! Pull your shit together! You made a promise!"

And it felt like I flipped a damn switch somewhere, because I just didn't feel anything. And as that last tear fell from my eye, I drifted off into my subconscious. 

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It's been two weeks and I'm so damn confused. Every single time Kia comes over, she acts like she loves me, but then in public we're both completely different people. Max texted me today and said 

"DUDE FUCKIN SHIT LOOK AT THIS"

I looked at the attached image and quickly gathered that it was a conversation with Kia. 

M: Agh this is difficult to ask

K: like i'd date her?

M: yeah