Souls You Can't Save

The Funeral

We started the long ass drive to Milwaukee on Monday after school. After doing all of my homework and an intense need to pee, I looked up to see that we would be at my grandma's in roughly five minutes.

I'm not prepared for the family and the tears and the sympathy from people I don't know. I can't do it.
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After hanging out with my cousins for a couple hours, we headed to my Auntie Kim's house to stay. Her kids are mostly at college, so it's not problem housing my mom, my brother and myself for one night. Plus, they basically live in a fucking mansion.
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I woke up at 7:00, which is 8:00 Michigan time, so plenty late for a Tuesday. My mom wasn't up yet, so I scrolled through Instagram for a while.

At 8:00, I got up and headed to the bathroom to shower. When I got out, my mom was waiting to get in the bathroom. We nodded in each other's general direction, her still half asleep. I got dressed, and blow dried my hair. Going to the main level of their house, I ended up in the kitchen, and grabbed some donuts off of a fancy platter. I let out their daschund, Baron, and sat down at the table.

Not even a minute later my brother came downstairs all dressed up and grabbed some juice out of the fridge.

"Are you ready for today?"

"No."

"Me either."
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We showed up at the funeral home an hour before visitation for a private family viewing.

About an hour later, I only wanted to sit down, and unfamiliar people were already crowding around an hugging me, wishing their "deepest condolences" and "all their sympathy".

Rian, Kyra and I got bored so eventually we would switch places in the line of family just so our mom would mess up our names and the order while introducing us. At one point she accidentally called Rian "Ronnie".
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As soon as the funeral started, and after listening for 10 minutes, I remembered something. I remembered why despite being suicidal,

I didn't want to die.
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I hate funerals.
The crying.
The tissues.
The people you barely knew during life showing up and sharing their "cherished stories" of how wonderful you were as they get all ready eyed.
People crying as they talk about your life and how you affected them.
I couldn't do it.

I looked my brother in the eyes.
He knew what I was thinking.

For the first time in 3 years, I actually hugged my brother.

I sobbed for the rest of the service.

When it was over he looked into my eyes and said; "You never really wanted to die, did you."

I caught my breath.
"I wanted to leave this life, and everyone in it. The world was cruel to me and I hated it. I wanted to leave, and I saw death as my only option. Every time I would try to make a fatal cut, I hesitated, because I didn't want a funeral. I didn't want to be remembered that way. The first time I swallowed a bottle of pills I panicked because I didn't want to die yet. I thought I did so bad. Sometimes I still do want to die. But going to this funeral reminded me of why I didn't want to die."

He hugged me.
I've never felt more relieved in my life. I love my brother so much.
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Despite having a funeral that day, the rest of it was pretty chill. We ate lunch at the funeral home, and went to my grandma's afterwards.
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We packed up about 7:30, and hit the road back to Michigan.

Not a horrible end to a shitty day.
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AN:
So these past two chapters did actually happen, and I wrote both of them in the car back from Milwaukee. Everything in these chapters is true and they're probably the only ones that will ever be completely true.

Yes, my grandpa died.
Yes my dad lost his job. 

Sayonara goodnight