Souls You Can't Save

what am i doing

i generally have no idea what i'm doing with my life, which seems to be a symptom of being a teenager. what i do know, though, is that i can have a life. i don't have to be who everyone expects me to be.

i've been dating lincoln for a month. one whole month. people expect that in high school, that as soon as you're dating, you're fucking. but it's not the case. i'm not gonna pressure him and he's not gonna pressure me.

i cant really pinpoint why, but i feel like i have so much to explain to him. i feel like he wants to know everything about me, but i don't want him to. i want my past, all the bad things i've done, the bad situations i've been in, to be in the past. and he said they are. he's the first person in my life who hasn't asked to know everything about me. but he's gotta know eventually.

i'm not going to rehash my argument with kia. it's over. it needs to be over. i'm done. forever.
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thanksgiving wasn't horrible. our old exchange student Miae came and visited from australia. nevaeh and i were joking around that i was cheating on her with another asian.
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my mom announced to me that they finally picked a wedding date. march 18. then ben will officially be my stepdad.
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i wish my parents would just let me grow up. i understand that i'm not going to find true love at 15. i know it's not going to happen. but at least i can have fun and get to be a teenager. it's what we do. we date people even though we know it probably won't last. but that doesn't matter. because we know. i want my parents to get to know lincoln. i want to be able to tell my mom all the fun things i want to do with him. i want to be able to gossip with my sisters about him and meet his family and get to know them. i want him to be able to come to my house and watch movies. i want my dad and my brother to be typical and threaten him if he breaks my heart.

but i can't.

they can't know.

because i can't grow up.
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(do you ever get that feeling that you wanna write something but you don't want to piss people off and you're also embarrassed to mention it publicly? me too)

i really enjoy being loved. not loved by family, because i know i am, but that's different. not loved by friends, because that's different too. i enjoy having someone that's curious all the time about how i feel and what i'm doing and i enjoy cuddling and cute kisses and i know that sounds cliche, but it's such a nice feeling after all the negativity. and i love that feeling.
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i'm trying so hard to not be depressed because i feel like i need a reason. i don't have any reason to be depressed right now. but sometimes i am.

sometimes i get the uncontrollable urge to do things that i vowed i wouldn't do again. i get the urge to self destruct. but i don't. because i feel like i need a reason.

i both want to ignore seventh grade, but also want to go back to it. i want to go back to those days where i could self destruct and i wasn't worried that my parents would carry out their threat.

but i don't, because i want to recover. i don't want that negative person to define me anymore.

some days i just break down.

i cant help it.
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i thought i could be saved.
in june.
and then she put me back in a hell ten times worse than the one i was already in.
but now, in december, he pulled me out again.
and i want to stay out.
the only thing constantly bothering me, is that his eyes are just as blue as hers.

i don't need an icicle through my heart again.

but for now, his eyes can be oceans.
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i cant get the quote out of me head :
"A string of thoughts run through my head like a song I can't get rid of, over and over in the same order:
I am broken.
I am a fraud.
I am impossible to love."

because i do hear this.
i am broken.
i am a fraud.
and i am impossible to love.

i've always been broken.
she told me i was a fraud.
and i don't know how anyone has ever loved me.
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i cry too often while writing this book. i'm sorry if anyone's angry at me. i feel like people are always angry with me after i write.

ps sorry it's all lowercase, i'm too lazy to change my settings.

love y'all. 🤘🏻