Souls You Can't Save

Creative Writing

After I figured out that I was performing my poem about art, I read the poem to my youth group. Everyone was complimenting me and telling me how good it was, but Nevaeh glared at me because I said "their eyes" instead of "his eyes".

They don't have to know everything.....
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Nevaeh has been telling me all week that I should read Quinn the poem, but I'm super insecure about my writing. I don't know if I want him to know just how much I love him yet.
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Spring break starts tomorrow, and we have a half day. At the end of the day, I walked to the band room, and unfortunately I was too late because Quinn had already left.

It made me sad.

I was about to leave, but i remembered that Quinn said I could borrow his sweatshirt in his band cage if I needed it, so I sprinted back to the band room. Ignoring texts from my sister I grabbed the sweatshirt and ran back outside to her car.

Being Michigan, it's spring break and 46 degrees outside, so I put it on.

I took a deep breath, and it was actually calming.

It felt like a Quinn hug despite the fact that he was leaving me for Florida all of break.
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I woke up Friday morning, and ya know, GREAT. ITS APRIL FOOLS.

It also happens to be Max's birthday, and I thought about what happened last week.

The past year I knew Max was suicidal. I didn't do anything about it because I didn't think it would go that far.

He texted me last week and told me
"If you have any last words, say them now before I kill myself."

I panicked.

My heart was beating out of my chest.

Thump
Thump

I did the only thing I could think of.

I texted Nevaeh.

Thump
Thump

Didn't help at all. Now we were both panicking. I tried to convince him to give me one more day. Only 24 more hours and then I told him that tomorrow at 8:21 pm I had no control over what he did.
Thump
Thump
I got to school the next morning. I think it's safe to say that Nevaeh and I both looked like hell frozen over.
We had been up all night discussing what we were going to do about it, and finally came to a decision.

Unfortunately, the schedule got screwed up and so did our plans.

After school we decided to carry on with what we were going to do earlier. I texted my dad and told him that I missed my bus and Nevaeh would take me home.

We looked at each other and took deep breaths, and walked up to the band director's office.

"Mr. Huff? Mrs. Huff? Can we talk to you?"

They looked confused.

"Uh sure girls? What is it?"

I looked Phil Huff directly in the eyes for the first time in three years.

"Privately."

He seemed to understand and ushered the other kids out of the office.

"Ok girls, what is it?"

I started to explain. I couldn't finish. I looked at Nevaeh pleadingly.
"I can't do this I'm only going to end up crying harder and not being able to explain."

She finished my explanation, and needless to say, in the 4 years of my music career, I had never seen them looked so shocked.

"Well what you need to do, is go and tell Mrs. Weaver immediately." Mr. Huff said tentatively.

At this point Nevaeh was crying too. "She told us if we weren't involved not to involve ourselves in it. That's why we came to you."

Mrs. Huff took us down to the office, and asked for Mrs. Weaver. She started to explain to a few other teachers, and in a few minutes there were two crying girls, two panicked secretaries, roughly 12 panicked teachers, and one absent principal and another absent guidance counselor.

Finally we found the principal, and we went to his office. Mrs. Huff explained the basics of the situation while Nevaeh and I composed ourselves. Then we took over the explanation, and he didn't look concerned at all.

"Well you may not have known, but we are already aware of this situation, and we talked to Maxwell earlier today, and he did clarify that he did it for attention. We spoke to a parent about the situation being handled, and there's obviously been a lot of unneeded stress put on you two by an attention seeking student. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Nevaeh and I gave each other our look that said "hi 911 I'd like to report a case of major bullshit."

And I think for the first time I heard a teacher swear on purpose. All at the same time Nevaeh, Mrs. Huff, and I all walked out and whispered
"That was utter bullshit".
So I called my dad and told him to pick me up.

And I got in the car.

And I cried.

Because attempting to kill you self is no joke.

It's not for attention.

You might cut for attention.

But not kill yourself.

Because attention is no good when your dead.

And I'm pissed that our school system is bullshit.
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Around ten, we went to Nevaeh's to pick her up, and then went on an adventure to Meijer to find Max a birthday present.

We ended up being the first people there, and I think I had the most fun I've ever had, and that's not an understatement.
(The attached media is from his party... Have fun with that)

We joked around with Malachi, and he started making racist jokes about himself. Then we all joined in, considering there were two Asian, two Irish, and one black kid.

At one point we found our way outdoors, and being the idiot I am, I dared Sean to drink water from the bird bath. Surprisingly, he said
"Get me a straw and I'll do it"

I ran inside to the kitchen and grabbed a plastic cup and a straw. Then I ran outside and scooped up a little water from the bird bath.

(Unfortunately I can't put the video in here, but you can check it out on my Instagram @ sagefeldburger)

I can't believe he really did that.
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We finished off the night by seeing the new Divergent movie, Allegiant, with Max, Sean, Scott and Nevaeh's cousin, Charlie.

It was a damn good movie.

I wore Quinn's sweatshirt all day, and talked to him when I could, but I still miss him.

But today was a fairly good day. And for that I'm happy.