Souls You Can't Save

I don't have any more creative chapter names

The past few weeks have been pretty null and I don't really have a lot to write about but *shrug*

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My mom announced to me and my siblings shortly after Christmas that her wedding date had been set. Ben officially becomes my stepdad on March 18, 2017. I can't say that I'm not excited about the wedding, because I am, but it's not the huge process that it's always made out to be. It's most likely because it's her second wedding and not as huge of a deal, but I still feel like I should be more excited. 

I am excited though, for her and for Ben. I know they really love each other. I can see that. And that definitely makes me happy. 

My mom was slightly concerned though, whether or not I would be bored at the wedding, so my best friend got invited (which was a given anyway), but then I specifically requested that she invite Gem and her family, seeing as her dad is Ben's brother and all. And also Gem is my mini me soon-to-be-cousin-by marriage. Sometimes I wonder if she's gonna turn out like me. Sometimes I hope she does. Most times I hope that she makes more positive decisions than I do. 

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Lately, the most concerning thing in my life is my emotions. I don't know how I feel. About anything. I'm concerned for Nevaeh because I want her to be happy and make good decisions, but she's a very impulsive person. I often wonder if she thinks about the consequences before her actions. But then I remember, I'm her best friend, and I have to love her and guide her through those decisions, however crappy I may think they are. 

I also don't know who to love. I'm not over Lincoln. I don't know when I will be. But I need to learn to become my own person. My happiness shouldn't depend on someone else, because they definitely aren't responsible for it. I cried last night again. Even if we don't ever date again, I miss being his friend. I miss our shitty jokes that we made up on the band bus or in mutual stress over a spanish test. I miss being around him and his stupid smile and all the goofy shit that he does. I miss him. Even if he'll never be my boyfriend again. 

I feel the same way about Kia. I miss sending her supernatural memes at odd hours of the night, making jokes about whatever available meme I stumbled upon, and I miss her smile. I just miss her. Even if we don't date ever again. But I want to be her friend. She's just not ready right now, and I can see that and I respect her decision. And when she's ready, I'm here waiting with a stockpile of memes and theories. 

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EXAMS.

HIGH SCHOOL MIDTERMS. MAKE ME WANT TO DIE.

I am highly unable to function properly as a human being under 7,000 pounds of stress. But my teachers decided it would be fun to give me 7 projects and/or huge assignments due all within the same week, and I only have 6 classes. WTF. 

I think it's safe to say that I don't have time for a social life during exam week. I am completely swamped. I literally don't even get to see my family. I've been locked up in my room, in sweatpants, shedding hair and breaking out from stress, with the occasional dinner outing or trio practice. 

I really needed trio practice on Saturday. I felt productive, and even so, we never fail to make each other laugh. Even so, there was the nagging thought at the back of my mind of my impending English presentation that I still hadn't finished. 

Here I am, sitting in my English hour, writing this, I finished my project 20 minutes before class started, and I am having a horrible anxiety attack. My hands are shaking, I keep making typos, and yet, I'm still writing this. I need to get my priorities straight. Damn. 

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AN// ok i think im going to update every two weeks on an official basis??? Maybe?? it depends whether or not I remember. sigh. 

i need some tacos. 

peace michachos.