Souls You Can't Save

All Hail The Heartbreaker

chapter song:
{all hail the heartbreaker - the spill canvas}

I've been distant.
I've been bitchy.
I've been isolating myself.
why?
I didn't want to get hurt.

but what happened?
I got hurt anyway.

do you ever feel like throughout your entire life, you're never meant to be happy?
like, you'll be happy in the sense that you're content with where you are, but there's still things that could change for the better, but you'll never ever be truly content.

there's a pattern in my life, with one constant.

people come and go, some I've been friends with for 10 years, others I've been friends with 10 months. either way, they come and go.

Nevaeh, she is constant.
Xavier, he is constant.

the two things in my life that I will always love. the reasons I'm still here.
-----/-
my whole life is a lie.
a half-assed, goddamn lie.

her.

I thought she loved me. but what do I get?

a lie.
-------
I was scrolling through Instagram, and I saw a post with a fairly long caption from Kia.

"anything, huh? did you ever stop to think about my feelings? newsflash, that kiss the other day? it wasn't a new beginning. it was a goodbye. just don't do anything fucking stupid."

my eyes stung.
I knew it was about me.

I DM'd her.
"ah, it's always too late. when do I ever do something not stupid?"

I was already cracked.
I knew it had already gone to shit, but that one sliver, that one shred of hope,

smashed.
disintegrated.
nonexistent.

"yeah, I meant don't kill yourself asshole."

"wow...that was a lot more aggressive than expected. okay. bye Kia."

"I'm so sorry I have to do this, especially to you, but I just don't think that we can be something. Idk if Nevaeh has told you anything which she probably has but things just aren't going to work out, that kiss I gave you at the bridge, that was like I said, it wasn't for a new beginning, it was for a goodbye, I'm so sorry but I can't do it. I'm not able to, it feels not right and I feel so bad for doing this. I know and understand it's very painful for you but I still want you in my life. You are so special to me, just not the way you hoped for though, and I'm terribly sorry for that."

I cried.
I threw things.
I wanted to die.
I thought finally, just maybe, I could have been happy.
I could have been myself.

I wanted to rip open my arms.
I wanted to bleed.
I just....
I wanted to die.

---/---
after a while, I met max at the cemetery, and we just talked. for hours. about everything.

on our way home, Nevaeh saw us biking and decided to come to my house.

even though I didn't want to talk about it, I told her everything.

I called Jaxon, and we talked to her for a while, but even as she and Nevaeh were silent, I stared blankly.

I didn't have a purpose.

and for a while, I sat in my bed, and relished the feeling of hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

I felt an indescribable pain in my chest.
I felt betrayed, jealous, angry, depressed, and a melting pot of other feelings.

but most of all,
I felt regret.

I knew it was too good to be true. I knew I was ruining my life for her. but I still ignored my subconscious and ended up completely destroyed.

I burned something.

a drawing.

from a while ago, when things weren't complicated.

an eye, her eye.

and the only quote that had mattered to me since April.

"my parents warned me about the drugs in the streets, but not the one with electric blue eyes and a heartbeat."

those electric blue eyes made me self destruct.

I guess you could even say,

I was afraid of the blue.
---------------
hahahahahaokimgonnakmsnowhahaha

half of you wont get the reference but eh

yeah I just really wanna die right now. I might not write for a while. but there were other happier events occurring that day that I need to elaborate on. (at a later time.)

but I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful day❤️