Souls You Can't Save

The Letter

song: "I Don't Love You" - My Chemical Romance

This letter will most likely make you feel shitty, or cry, so i suggest you don't read it in public. The point of this letter is not to make you feel shitty, but to explain what needs explaining. 

One thing I want you to know:
I am still broken.
I probably always will be. And I'm sorry that I can't be whole. When everything happened in June, I thought I had found something that had a chance at maybe making me forget my broken-ness. 

Another thing you should know: I still love you. No, not in a friend way. I miss you, the way your hand feels, the way you kissed me, staring into oceans when I wake up. A bunch of other sappy bullshit. But I miss you. And seeing you every day and pretending that it never happened is painful. I'm putting up with it because I don't want to lose you. You are so important to me. 

I'm sorry... i just cant get over you. I cant do it. You were such an important part of my life and I love you flaws and all. I know you can't accept the fact that you're loved, but I do love you with all of my heart and I just need you to know that. I miss you. I wish things could be like they were in June, and if not June I wish they were the same as they were before that. I'm happy for you that you found new people, I'm so happy that you're branching out, because how else would you get through high school? But if I'm being honest here, no matter how happy you are, no matter how happy I am for you, I'm never going to be truly happy. That's a flaw of the human mind. We never let ourselves be happy because we think we don't deserve it. but the problem is, I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be as happy as i was in June, and every bad thing that has happened since then is proof of that. I know you're disappointed in all the stupid decisions I've made, I wouldn't want to be around me either because I'm pretty sure stupidity rolls off me in waves. If people are asking you about it, tell them to shove it, because it's not their business. You don't have to explain anything to them. They don't need to know. But vent, vent through your book, and if you ever don't want me to read it, tell me, because I respect you and your decisions and I won't read it if you don't want me to. Just know that you are always loved and if you ever need anything I will always be here as your friend.

Thirdly, I'm sorry I'm a dumbass. I've made a lot of life ruining decisions, and I'm not going to pretend they weren't stupid, and I'm not going to pretend that they weren't my fault, because they were no one's but my own. I'm trying to change. Just promise me, if my parents ask about anything prior to the fair, please lie. I quit. Everything. I'm trying to be a better person. I can't do that if my parents hate me. I can't. 

I thought I should tell you. Remember the lion painting that I finished at your house? I wasn't actually done with it, I was going to finish it for real later. It was your first anniversary present. I was going to make the mane fireworks, because our anniversary would have been on the fourth of July. I never actually finished it how I wanted to. I didn't see a point. 

I dream about the past sometimes, and I wonder if we would still be happy. I guess we'll never know. 

I'm sorry for this whole letter, but I wanted you to know. Thanks for listening to vicious 3 AM ramblings of a crazy depressed teenager. If you have anything to say, just write a response back. It's easier than talking in person. I promise. 

"You have been in every way, all that anyone could be...If anyone could have saved me, it would have been you."

"If that blue could stay forever, so vibrant and true to me, that hole would remain forever in my heart."

"I remember her and her laugh when I was my best self, and she looked at me like I could do nothing wrong and was whole. I remember how she looked at me the same way even when I wasn't. I remember her hand in mine and how that felt, as if someone and something finally belonged to me."

Quote of the Chapter:

"A string of thoughts run through my head like a song I can't get rid of, over and over in the same order:
I am broken.
I am a fraud.
I am impossible to love."

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AN// sorry for all the super short chapters, don't really have time to write at the moment, but I will be updating as often as possible. 

Message me if you think I should start a book full of book quotes.

Much love, peace kiddos.