Souls You Can't Save

What About Life?

This past week, I can't even really explain it.

Yeah, I started dating Quinn. He's a great guy. But I can't help but have self doubt. I felt like I really needed to open up to him. I texted him.

"Hey, Q, you still up?"

"yeah, hey"

"I feel like this is a really good time to open up to you, so hold on, it's gonna take a while for me to type."

I took a really deep breath, and started from when it all got bad.

"The reasons that I didn't say yes sooner, at least the emotional ones, mainly have to do with the fact that I'm bipolar, depressed, have anxiety, PTSD, and a lot of other shit.

Last year it got really bad, and there's a lot of stuff that went on that I regret, but i started cutting October in 7th grade, and I attempted suicide 3 times. My mom found out during the summer and threatened to send me to a mental hospital but put me in therapy instead. I wasn't allowed to be left alone, and I pretty much didn't leave my house all summer.

Patrick probably told you or you figured it out but near the end of last year I came out to Nevaeh and Jade as bi, and have slowly been telling other people. Yeah, I've had one girlfriend, but she isn't someone I want to remember.

I became agnostic this summer, which means that I believe some aspects of a religion but not all. An easier way to think of it is that I'm half atheist.

This year, my mom got engaged, and my dad went back into his depressive cycle, as well as my sister, and my other sister doesn't even talk to me, let alone acknowledge my existence. My dad lost his job, and I have a job that I work 7 hour shifts every other weekend with my mom. All my money goes to my family.

I have really bad trust issues with guys and it takes me a while to get comfortable with people because of stuff that happened with my dad when I was a kid.

So yeah.

That's about it."

He read it, and I silently freaked out for the two minutes it took him to reply.

"Hey its fine you can trust me and if you don't we can talk about it and I have a lot of things to tell you too, some of them I'm not quite ready to talk about yet, but just know that I'm here for you."

I smiled to myself.

"As much as I'd like to continue this conversation, I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Quinn. ily."

"Goodnight Celeste. See you tomorrow."

I rolled over in bed and set my alarm.

This is what I wanted.

----------------

It's been a week since I started dating Quinn, and it was a little awkward at first, but we're starting to get more comfortable around each other. So far, there's two good couples and one rough one in our friend group. Quinn and I, Kia and Robert, and then Nevaeh, Michael, and Josh are going through a rough patch on who's going to date Nevaeh.

I'm pretty happy with my relationship, and I don't think I'd have it any other way. I've definitely been feeling less depressed lately, and I think Quinn has helped me through a lot of that. Even so, I can't help having doubts about why I said yes. 

This Friday we have career day, and Kia, Nevaeh and I are going to Kia's after school to hang out before our annual Friday skate night. Career Day passed, boring as usual, and I met the girls in the empty band room when our assembly was over.