Souls You Can't Save

Fed Up

Too much has happened. I don't know what to do.

Christmas was okay. I spent Christmas Eve with my mom, stepdad, and my siblings, and then went back to my dad's on Christmas day. It was really uneventful, and so was New Year's. On New Year's day, Nevaeh came over after I went to brunch with my grandparents, and we made gingerbread houses. We get kinda competitive with gingerbread houses. They ended up being super cute. I was happy.

After that, we went to go see the movie Collateral Beauty.

It was hella emotional.

My favorite quote was "I am love. Don't try to live without me."

Also "Just be sure to notice the collateral beauty. It's the profound connection to everything."

My mom cried. Alot. And that made me sad.

But it was still a good movie.

We went to my stepdad's house, and slept in my BRAND NEW ROOM that JUST GOT RENOVATED. Nevaeh and I talked for hours and then fell asleep watching Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.

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The next day, my dad came and picked us up. We started a Harry Potter Movie Marathon with like 5 other people and did Josh's makeup. It was possibly the most fun I've had with my friends in a while.

But then came the bomb.

I got a text from Lincoln. He said we needed to talk. He'd been ignoring me all Christmas break. Internally I said "No shit, we need to talk. About you ignoring me for two weeks. I'm feeling really neglected and I cant deal with this relationship if this is how it's gonna be."

But instead, I said ok.

And I let him talk. 

"The more I think about this I realized that I didn't really want to be in a relationship from the beginning and I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I want to be single."

Hold the fuck up. 

Yes, I'm sad. I love him. I want to be in a relationship with him.
I would be less pissed off in this moment if he had just told me that from the beginning. I wouldn't have pursued it.
It would have been nice to know that first instead of ignoring me for two weeks. Thanks alot. 

But again, I just said ok. 

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Later that night, I cried.

A lot. 

I felt like total shit. I had completely invested myself in a relationship that fell apart. Again. 

I questioned everything. Was I not giving him everything he wanted? What did he want? Love or sex? Neither? It didn't matter now. Was I not good enough for him? Did I not mean anything to him? Did he even respect me at all? I was just done. I didn't want to think about it. 

But thank god for good friends. I got reassuring, funny, and positive texts from Nevaeh, Kia, and Max. I love them all so much. 

I'm so glad that Kia and I are starting to build a positive sort of relationship. I really missed being her friend. I miss being a lot of people's friend. I'm becoming friends with Jade again too. It's kind of refreshing to still know someone, but get a new beginning. 

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School started on Wednesday. I didn't even look at Lincoln. I couldn't. I stared angrily at the back of his head during spanish and almost cried because of it. I shouldn't be angry. I'm at peace. But I'm fucking angry. I want to hug him again. 

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After school on Wednesday Max, Alaina and I practiced for our solo and ensemble trio. Max also had to oversee a biology lab, so we went to Mrs. Smith's room to practice, and worked in the project room. I walked out of the project room to go get Max at the same time he was walking in. I freaked out, flailed, and hit his saxophone into his throat. I crouched there, hyperventilating because he scared the shit out of me, and he laid on the ground dying because he just had wood, plastic, and brass shoved down his throat. 

We laughed about it afterwards. 

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Friday came around. I still can't look at Lincoln. It just pisses me off. But I've started to get over it. I shouldn't be so dependent on someone in my life. They shouldn't have to matter that much to me. But he did. And I'm starting to realize that he shouldn't have. 

I feel like I'm responsible for people. The people I love. Mainly Nevaeh, Max, and Gem. I want them all to be happy and healthy and not make shitty decisions like I do. I just love them. A lot. 

I don't want Gem to grow up and go to high school and make the same bad decisions that I did. I want her to know that I lived through it, and the dumb way is definitely not the right way. She can talk to me. Because I'm here. And I may not be old and wise, but I know more than I should.

I don't want Max to be sad and hate his family even though he has every reason to. I want him to be happy. And his version of normal. But not totally normal, because I love who he is. But I wish that everything would work out happily in the end. Especially for him. 

I don't want Nevaeh to cry. Like ever. Because I never want her to be sad. I don't want her to cry over a boy who doesn't deserve anything from her because her presence alone is a blessing, let alone her affection. I don't want her to be stressed out about everything going on. I once got a motivational message in a bath bomb that I remember even though it's generic and cheesy, but "This too shall pass.". And it will. It will work out. 

The world is not a happy place, and I wish it was. 

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Ok so just a PSA the last chapter was from a couple weeks ago I'm fine and things have changed. Not everything in that chapter is true anymore. I don't want anyone to be hurt. 

I love you all kiddos. Sleep well and eat lots of tacos. Peace.