Souls You Can't Save

Thirteen Reasons Why

AN// in tribute to the fact that this is chapter 31 and its 13 backwards and I'm also reading the book Thirteen Reasons Why but ANYWAY

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Thirteen reasons why. 

Thirteen reasons why I'm bi?
Thirteen reasons why I'm adopted?

Thirteen reasons why I started cutting?

Thirteen reasons why I want to die?

Thirteen reasons why I tried to kill myself?
or thirteen reasons why I'm trying to recover. 

I could give you thirteen reasons for all of these. People. Environmental. Genetic. Mentality. I want to recover. I want to be healthy minded and never have to look back on a dark past that people will always ask about. But will I ever? Because some of those thirteen reasons still apply. 

Thirteen reasons why I'm bi:
1) I once read a study that says over 50% of people that were sexually abused in their childhood have a likelihood of not being heterosexual
2) I was born this way
3) Have you seen girls? They're cute.
4) It feels right to be myself for once.
5) As far as I know, I'm still attracted to guys. But I'm also attracted to girls. Kinda the whole meaning of bi-sexual.
6) I know my identity
7) I'm confident.
8) I'm discovering myself.
9) It occurred to me quite suddenly that most people of both genders were attractive and I didn't know what was happening.
10) You could say it was partially environmental influence.
11) Girls kiss better than guys.
12) Girls.
13) Her.

Thirteen reasons why I'm adopted:

1) My birth family was immensely screwed up, and the government decided I should not live with them anymore.
2) My birth parents are no longer legally my parents, and I wish to have no connection with them at all, which means I want to remove my secondary last name. 
3) My biological father is in prison for 17 years, and I don't get to legally see him until I'm 25 years old
4) My biological mother got put on probation. I wasn't legally allowed to see her for 5 years, but now it's my personal choice to ignore the bitch. 
5) My birth father (my half-sister's step dad) sexually abused me and both of my sisters
6) My birth mother didn't report the abuse to the police even after my oldest sister came crying for help.
7) It was not a healthy environment to live in.
8) My grandparents could only be our legal guardians for so long until they had to apply for approval for foster care.
9) My grandparents got too old to take care of three young girls, so we got handed off to distant family friends
10) I was briefly in foster care for 3 days before being rescued by my grandparents
11) Foster care with my current family was not as bad as foster care is made out to be.
12) My adoptive parents applied for adoption.
13) I signed a very official paper. 

Thirteen reasons why I started cutting:

1) I saw both my sisters do it in the bathroom when I was little.
2) My family has a genetic history of depression.
3) I talked about it with one of my old friends, and we both said it seemed like the only possibility to relieve the pain inside our heads.
4) I am the queen of bad habits.
5) My adoptive parents had just gotten divorced.
6) I ended up getting bullied all the time at school by the same kid and I barely told anyone. He called me worthless, he called me unloved, and he told me I should have killed myself already. 
7) I couldn't handle the pressure of my family screaming at me and each other all the time. 
8) I always felt like I was doing everything wrong.
9) I'd always had good grades in school, and when I got anything lower that an A-, everyone was disappointed because they expected better from me.
10) I didn't know who my friends were and weren't. People talked about me behind my back. It seemed like everyone knew who I was but me. 
11) My past kept coming back to bite me in the ass. It wasn't even my fault. 
12) I broke. 
13) I decided to take apart a pencil sharpener. 

Thirteen reasons why I want to die:

1) I feel like I'm never good enough. 
2) I will never be as good as everyone expects me to be. 
3) I'm an emotional sponge. I soak up everyone else's emotions when I can't even handle my own. 
4) My family is almost always falling apart. 
5) I feel like my parents are embarrassed to have me as their child.
6) I can never be myself. Not for one goddamn second. 
7) I don't have enough love to give, and I almost never get any in return.
8) I have one constant person in my life, and I feel like I always screw that up. 
9) I constantly worry about the future and whether or not I'll actually be successful.
10) Some days I wish that I could just melt away. Or assimilate with wild moose in Canada.
11) It seems like my life is either repeating the same cycle or hectic as fuck. 
12) My mind tells me it would be a good idea.
13) I can only think of 10 people that would miss me, whereas there's so many that wouldn't care. 

Thirteen reasons why I tried to kill myself:

1) I needed to get out.
2) I felt like a coward.
3) There was too much pressure.
4) I didn't know what I wanted in life.
5) My mind told me I was worthless.
6) So did people.
7) I thought, if my life fell apart in the first six years, how am I supposed to live?
8) It seemed like a good way to get out of my head.
9) I wanted to be happy.
10) I wanted to get away from myself.
11) I was lost.
12) I wasn't loved.
13) I lost myself in my own mind. 

Thirteen reasons why I'm trying to recover. 

1) I have my whole life ahead of me.
2) I have people who love me, people who would miss me.
3) My past doesn't define me.
4) "We are our parent's children, but we are not their choices!" -Daniel Beaty
5) I can survive.
6) I can be myself.
7) I am good enough.
8) I care about my best friends.
9) I care about my dysfunctional family.
10) I don't want to always have a dark past.
11) I don't want my kids to grow up the same way.
12) I want to set a good example for people going through the same things.
13) I am a survivor.
       A survivor of abuse.
       A survivor of depression.
       A survivor of life. 

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AN// wow that was an awkward chapter and I'm crying but WOOOOHOOOOOOO that was so much funnnnnnn *sarcasm*

anyways, Peace Kiddos, I love y'all