Souls You Can't Save

What Am I Supposed to Think?

Ok i know i haven't updated in a while and I suck but I'm sorry marching season is stressful and now it's finally over. So, here's a chapter that's gonna piss some people off. 

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I have henceforth made peace with Nevaeh about Mark. She understands that I don't hate her, I just want her to be safe. In other news, Halloween was fucking awesome. Nevaeh and I did a split costume, half skeleton, and wore cloaks. We went with Emily, Charlie, Cat, Gavin, Mark, and Ethan. The only downside to the evening was that two creepy old guys winked at me. 

Post Halloween, I started freaking out. Our State Championship for band was this weekend. There was absolutely no way that I was prepared. 

I'm also stressed out because of relationships. I still want to be friends with Kia, but I don't know how to make that happen because I don't want to get hurt again. I'm only trying to protect myself. At the same time, Lincoln is frustrating me. I know he has a thing for me, it's been confirmed, but we still just act like friends. Grow a pair man. 

We always have these games. That's how our friendship started. A game at band camp, fake smuggling napkins across a table between like 4 other people. On the bus back, we played a game where we just shouted random shit we saw out the window, which ended up mostly being corn. Then, we started a game where we just text each other the number 4 and increase by 3's. It was an inside joke about the upcoming spanish test. 

The day of State, I woke up at 4:45. I went to the band room, and we started a new game. We call each other by our middle names. After one run through, the police showing up with a noise complaint, and the stadium lights shutting off, we went inside for breakfast. It was 6:30. We left at 7:15. Lincoln sat in front of me on the bus, next to Mark. I sat by Nevaeh. 

When we got to Detroit, we warmed up for like two hours, got in uniform, and did our makeup. The band walked to Ford Field, and waited to go into the tunnel. Secondary warmups were boring, except for the giant shopping cart that we found in the warmup area. Finally, the guard lined up in troop lines and joined the band to wait in the endzone. 

The performance was surreal. They said I wouldn't remember anything except walking on and walking off, but I remember it all vividly. The announcer messed up a drum major's last name. I messed up a total of three times, and they were drastic fuck ups. Other than that, the performance went smoothly. I ended the show breathing like someone had ripped out my lungs. i had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe I had performed that show for the last time. I can't believe that I had found a family in the band, and especially the guard. And now it was over. 

We stood in a tense silence waiting for awards to be announced. They got up to the top three and we all held our breath. 

"And earning third place in the MCBA State Championship with a score of , DeWitt Marching Band!!!" 
Everyone let out a tense breath and politely clapped. 
"Earning second place in the MCBA State Championship with a score of, Byron Center Marching Band!!"

Maddie screamed. The seniors cried. I jumped up and down. Despite not announcing it yet, we knew we had stolen the title for the second year in a row. 

"Finally, earning first place, and the title of 2016 MCBA State Champions with a score of 92.900, I repeat, 92.900, the Lakeshore Lancer Marching Band!!!"

After the general shock and crying wore off, we walked down the tunnel of proud families and rival band members, giving hugs, high fives, and mutual respect. The medals were passed out, and nearly everyone took pictures with our four trophies for captions and first place.

We loaded the buses, and set off toward home singing "We Are the Champions".

The bus ride home was uneventful, until our most recent and my favorite game started. Lincoln put his knees on the seat and sat backwards facing me, and then wrapped his fingers around the seat. I poked his finger with mine, and just kinda left it there. That went on for like a half hour. Then we switched fingers. From middle to pinky, pinky to pointer, but never ring or thumb. I elbowed Nevaeh and pointed at my hand. She leaned around the seat to talk to him. Slowly, over the course of an hour, our hands touched more. finger by finger. Nevaeh leaned around the seat again, but I was dozing off. Next thing I know, he grabs my hand and is holding it in his own. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I know it's dumb, but it's a huge step for our awkward thing that we have. Eventually, he let go, and I smiled out the window the rest of the ride. 

As soon as we got off the freeway, we had a police escort. An escort for the Champions. 

After we were cleared to leave, I went home with Nevaeh, and then we met Maddie and the triplets at Culvers for ice cream. Our medals got us a 10% discount. We saw some other band kids, laughed hysterically about things I will probably never repeat without laughing so hard I pee myself. The gang went home, watched White Chicks, and simultaneously fell asleep. November 5th was a damn good day. 

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I woke up to the phone, and a dog butt in my face. I was on the floor of Nevaeh's living room. The afternoon was spent crying while watching the Notebook, and me texting Lincoln. 

Not to my surprise, he didn't mention anything about holding my hand. I didn't expect him to. But if he chooses to not acknowledge that it happened, then how are we going to move past it? We couldn't find anything to talk about, so we played the number game. All the way from 4 to 223. 

I couldn't help but sigh angrily. 

I got home, and cleaned, did my homework, and watched the hell out of Shameless. I am shameless. 

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If i pissed you off, I'm not really sorry. If you don't know who Lincoln is by now and you know me in person, you are soooooo oblivious. 

Anyway, goodnight kiddos, I love y'all.