A Bleak Kind Of Happy.

1: Playing Happy.

I drown all my sadness in the shower. I just stand underneath it and think if maybe I'll be happy today. Maybe my dad will come back. Maybe mom will finally get her big break. Maybe I'll meet the one.

I know they say you don't need someone in your life to be happy. But I'm so broken maybe my other half will make me complete.

Yeah right, I wish. Cause each time I do this and go on with my day I come back home still incomplete.

 
  I'm done showering. Time to play happy.

  As you already know, I'm best friends with Riley Matthews. Happiest person I know. But I only know a few people. She could probably be the happiest person in the whole world. She has a mother-lawyer, a caring father, the cutest little brother and a hot cowboy. She always so smiley and cheerful and all the synonyms for happy you could think of. It's a bit intimidating. Cause lots of people have lawyer moms, caring dads, cute little or even older brothers and hot boyfriends. But she says happy cause all the people in her life fit perfectly together in the puzzle of happiness. I know, she probably hasn't met sadness yet.
 
  During those days that Riley's happiness used to intimidate me, I questioned her. "What are so happy about anyway?"

"Easy... Cause you're happy. If you're I'm happy."
 

So, since Riley cares about my wellbeing and stuff... And I cherish her a lot... I pretend I'm happy. Cause, come on look at her. I mean if anything made her sad... I can't even imagine. She's not as strong as me to cope with somethings like sadness.

So I vowed to myself to not show any signs of sadness in front of her or if anyone made her sad-they should consider themselves dead.
 

Ok playing happy. Sunshine,Unicorns, Rainbows versus my usual Darkness, Monsters and Thunderstorms.

Yep,playing  happy is just easy.
 
Ok not quite. I really feel that she thinks I'm happy, that's why she is still happy or so as she claims(I was thinking she had some overly-happy-for-no-reason syndrome or something).
I'm not an actress. I'm an artist. An artist who prays she falls for it. Cause I'll be scared to death to lose her cause she thinks I sad, -which I am.
 
When I'm wrapped in my towel, I head to my room and blow dry my hair leaving it wavy and quite damp.

If my playing happy actually goes well, my appearance may give me away cause of the constant dark colors I wear. I'm sure to people it's like everyday  is a funeral. Well it is. The death of my happiness.
  
When I'm done dressing in my dark purple shirt over a black leather jacket, black skinny jeans and black boots, I do my makeup. Just some quite heavy eyeliner.

I pack my books and head out. I lock
the door. I look at the clouds for a while. I'm not thinking anything.
 
I snap back to reality and get on my motorcycle- a little treat I saved up to buy.
 
I start the engine and head to Riley's house.

Time for Operation Play Happy.