A Bleak Kind Of Happy.

26: Traitor.

"Lucas? What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Good evening Maya, can I come in?"

"Uh, sure." I say stepping back for him to enter. "Yeah, so take a seat." I say nervously gesturing to the sofa.

He sits. I feel tensed already. I know the last time I saw Lucas wasn't so good. He didn't even come to see me in the hospital. The only time we could talk was during lunch which is always some weird two-sentenced conversations but since I ditched today, and I didn't get the chance.

I'm glad I spent it with someone better.

But here he is, in my house.

"Aren't you sitting too?" He asks.

"No, I'm fine." I say running my hand through my hair and rocking on my heels. I really shouldn't be nervous. It was just Lucas. Right?

"You shouldn't have done what you did, you know." He says.

"What did I do?" I ask, really surprised.

"Don't play dumb with me Maya, you ditched today." He says sounding a bit,... angry?

Angry? Why was he angry? Why does he suddenly care about my whereabouts? I plainly stare at him.

"I can't believe that even after you found yourself lucky enough to wake up from that coma, you're still hanging out with... him."

I stare at him. I'm still too shocked to say anything.

Lucas's facial expression demands an answer.

"Farkle? Yeah, so?" I say trying to break the tension with an attempt at nonchalance.

"Oh well, if you didn't think you scared everybody enough when you went in that coma, you did a hell of a good job ditching!"

I was getting angry too. "Everybody. What do you mean everybody? Riley isn't everybody." I said raising my voice a bit. "If Riley was that bothered, she'd be here not you."

"What, you don't think I care too?"

I laugh. "You? Care? Please, Lucas."

He stands from where he was sitting and walks to me. "You think I like having you in my head every time? You think I like not being able to sleep because of you? You think I like liking you?"

I freeze to shocked to say anything. I stare up at him. His face was inches from mine. I could hear my own uneven breaths. My mind was racing with the most random thoughts.

Lucas is in my house.

Lucas has me in his head.

Lucas can't sleep because of me.

Lucas likes me.

The distance between us wasn't enough. Lucas is stepping closer to me. I can feel his breaths. Nervous. Me too. He shouldn't kiss me. I feel he will. No, this is wrong.

Riley, my best friend.

Farkle.

I turn away from Lucas. "You should go, Lucas." I say.

"Yeah." He says. There's awkward silence.

"I'm so sorry Maya. I'm so stupid. It's just...uh, you've left an effect on me, you know, and I just can't control my emotions around you...I'm so so sorry."

Uh, I wanted to scream and rip every thing apart. Why did he have to be here to mess up my one close-to-happy day? Why did he make me so close to betraying whatever relationship between Farkle and I?

The worse part is I wanted to kiss him too. Isn't that what I've been dreaming of since we met at the  subway when we were twelve? Since we became best frenemies? Since he started dating Riley, my best friend?

Why?

I break down in the corner and start crying. My knees up to my chest and my head buried behind my hair, I wept. I felt sadness again. Something that I wasn't even aware of for part of the day today. I cried waiting for the side effects to kick in.

I can't betray Riley. The person who I pretend to be happy for. The one who's made me smile and it wasn't fake. The happiest person I know.

I can't.

I can't betray Farkle. The one who's never given up on me when I gave up on everything. The one who'd made me feel other things. The one who's changed me. My nerd.

I can't.

Lucas is in my house. Fine. He can leave here angry or with me in a mess but I won't make him leave here with me a traitor. No way.

I'm still crying then I hear footsteps coming towards me. I see Lucas bent over me.

"Are you okay, Maya? I'm so sorry." He says.

"Don't worry Lucas. I think you should go." I mutter through sobs.

I hear him sigh. My head is still down so I don't have to look at him or have him look at me. We both almost became traitors to the closest people we know.

"I'm sorry Maya, I shouldn't have come here at all. I understand that I'm a terrible friend and boyfriend. Please just know I'm sorry." Lucas pleads.

I don't say anything but I just flash him a thumbs up.

"I hope you've forgiven me." He says.

I nod still sobbing with my face buried between my knees and behind my hair. It's going to be hard to forgive him but I still reassure him.

I'm wondering how awkward all this is for him right now. At least it is for me.

"I'll just go now." He says.

I nod.

"Bye." Lucas says then I hear the door close. I guess he's gone now.

My crying subsided a bit but now I was crying so hard. Why? What is wrong with me? What happened wasn't that big of a deal right?

Maybe it was for me. I felt so close to being happy so close to everything being perfect and almost forgetting sadness.

Today was so perfect now I'm not so sure. I almost betrayed Riley. I almost betrayed Farkle. I just didn't turn traitor to sadness.

I'm always loyal as ever to sadness. And I don't even have to try.

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