A Bleak Kind Of Happy.

24: Opening Up.

Farkle.

The excitement I was feeling scared me. I was sure I was going to explode before the end of the day. Then I wouldn't be with Maya anymore. I'd miss her. I always do.

She has no idea. Not a clue how deep her blue eyes are.
Like a never ending cerulean dark void and I was lost in them. She still sat there, oblivious.

She had no idea when she turned to look at me it was like bullet in the heart because she'd turn away eventually. But here she was her gaze locked on mine.

Ditching today was totally worth it.

The wind was blowing slightly sending the overgrown grass and weeds its way.
The way her wavy blonde hair falls down her back. Free. Natural. Dancing to the movements of the wind. She has no idea.

She has no idea, that with every rejection, it's just the urge end life. She was killing me and she had no idea. But today she agreed to ditch with me.

I remember every thing she ever said to me. That's how thrilling it is when we speak. Even for the shortest time. The rejection still plays at the back of my mind.

She doesn't know she's beautiful.

I'll be the one to tell her every day.

She's talented. I pass by her art class and I'm overwhelmed. How gentle she is with every stroke she draws. How peaceful she looks. She looks happy.

Maybe only when she's painting.

I see her fake smiles. I see the forced enthusiasm in every word she says. I see how she doesn't mean it when says, "I'm good." Or "I'm fine."  I know Maya Hart isn't happy. She can pretend with the whole world but not with me.

I'd thought ditching and escaping everyone will make her open up a bit. She's staying inside the walls of herself, letting whatever unhapiness hurt her and she's afraid to take a peek of happiness, she's so used to her demons.

Yes, I know how she feels. I had my own demons too. Keeping me grounded when I wanted to be more than your average nerd. When I wanted to stop with all the turtle necks and bright colors. My own self told me I couldn't be. She needs to understand that we all have those fears too. And its not so bad when you open up and take a walk on the other side of things. I did. And I'm still alive, unscathed. I opposed all the voices in my head telling me couldn't be and I was.

Maya needs to understand that once you let loose and relax, you will achieve your goals.

I want to make her happy. Because she can be.

I just sat there and observed all these things about her and knew I could change that sadness about her.

"Maya, what are your biggest goals." I ask her.

"I'm not one for achievements." She dismissed.

"Come on, everyone wants something badly, something that brings their worst fears to life, something that causes those tiny voices in your head you didn't even know existed to torture you. All because you badly want that thing. What is that to you?" I said animatedly. This felt like discovering something new in Chemistry and that thrill of wanting to know more.

"How'd you know that." She questioned suspiciously.

"Maya, as I can remember I told you my fears at that time...we...uh, after we dropped your mom at the airport."

Speaking of that time, before my carelessness put Maya into a coma was like rubbing salt in a wound that will never heal even if she says she's forgiven me. I must now forgive myself but I can't.

She says nothing.

"If you want to achieve something so bad, you will have your fears. I believe you know that. Okay, then what are your fears?"

"I have none." She says curt.

I could tell she was lying and that hurt me greatly. She still won't open up to me. She stopped gazing at me and was looking down and fidgeting with some grass.

I scoot over. "Please." I say. I knew this is what she simply said to me to get me over the fence. And that was doing something. Maybe she'll open up the same way.

"I want to be happy Farkle, but I'm not. I try to smile but I'm dying inside. I feel incomplete and hopeless. I actually call the feeling hopeless-sadness sometimes." She chuckles. A bitter chuckle. "It's not a feeling anyway. Feelings come and go, mine is always there. It leaves me desperate, kinda like a side effect and that gets out of hand. That's why I can't let loose like you want me to. I'll end up crazy if this thing doesn't kill me."

I gasp. I look at her, her eyes still on the ground and she's still playing with the grass. Okay not playing, mutilating the grass. Tearing at it vigorously. I impulsively wrap my hands around her wanting her to relax and feeling a bit sorry for the grass.

She sobs into my chest. I feel so bad. Like I actually got her to open up but then she's crying. I didn't expect that part.

I want everything for Maya, to make her happy. It feels like a new task for me, to squeeze some happy into her.

I rest my chin on top of my head. She's curled up while my hands hold her gently and protectively. Waiting for her to sob everything away, to leave her new so maybe some happiness can find its way inside her.

We still sit there a while then she looks up at me and says, "I feel so close to happy with you around me you know, you make me feel other things than sadness and its side effects. Thank you."

I'm speechless. So I nod and kiss her head. I know it's too soon but I think, thank you for letting me be your close-to-happy.