A Bleak Kind Of Happy.

10: Unlovable, Not Unloved.

It was simple. I was a girl who was sad and pretending to be happy. A girl who was suffering from the side effect of doing that which was more or less depression and loneliness. As much as I was glad that I was going to have the house to myself for a while. I didn't feel like walking back home after we'd dropped my mom from the airport.So I called Farkle. That didn't mean it was a date or I wanted to be his girlfriend.

Farkle agreed to pick me up from the airport. So I was taking the subway with my mom. We didn't talk as we boarded the train and took a cab to the airport. It was getting awkward when she was about to go through the check in and we still hadn't said anything to each other. I decided to set things right and use the fifteen minutes we had left.

"Los Angeles huh? You've done well. You might probably get the part."

My mom looks up from her phone for the first time since we boarded the train . A suspicious look on her face. She just nods and looks back down to her phone.

Another five minutes passed. I hadn't said anything, my mom either. This is how it was. When she wasn't going on about something. Just awkward moments all the time. I didn't know how to talk to her and I'm probably guessing she also doesn't. But I mean she was leaving. Shouldn't she be a little scared of leaving me alone?

She wouldn't Maya, she leaves you alone all the time. She doesn't care.

I couldn't hold back my emotions right now. I thought about Riley and her family. How her parents are so overprotective and even give her curfews. My mom wouldn't be bothered if I was in Vegas becoming a showgirl. She would even be glad I'd gotten that far and wished to be me.

Maybe I should just run away. Then maybe she will feel even a little pang of guilt. Then again she doesn't care. I felt anger and sadness. And I couldn't hold it back. I couldn't pretend.

I snatched her phone from her hands and before she had time to object, I yelled at her. "Couldn't you just act like a mother for once? What kind of person are you? You're leaving me alone and your not even showing a hint of fear. In fact a hint of motherhood. Anything could happen but you don't even care. Would you stop being a whore and act like you have a daughter?!" I didn't care if people were watching. Their parents cared. I didn't have parents. I had only one. And she would only care for fame.

My mom had a somewhat shocked and embarrassed look on her face. She didn't even look as apologetic as all the people here. I just broke down on my knees. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. If I was deprived of even motherly love. I held on to my mother's hand and looked up to her. "Please." I begged through sobs, "please be my mother."

She just stared at me blankly. A tear from her eye rolled down her cheek. She grabbed my hand and pulled me outside the airport. She took me somewhere out of the sights of other people.

It was cold outside. My right hand still warm as my mother held on it tightly.

After about two minutes of silence and blank stares, my mother spoke.

"You're so weird Maya, what really do you want." She asked firmly and taking back her phone from my hands.

Is that what she was asking. Didn't she have a heart? What kind of person was I fated to call a mother?

I just shook my head unbelievably, " 'what really do I want?' I just want a mother. Isn't it obvious? I just said that a while ago."

Really? Now I'm guessing she has a short attention span. She forgot she has a daughter. I just had an emotional moment back in the airport and she asks me 'what really do I want?'

Still blankly staring she answers,"you think I'm also not trying Maya? You think I like working in a diner? You think I don't want a better job?"

Apparently better job means actress and whore.

I don't say anything. Tears still rolling down my cheeks. I wasn't one to care about looks but thank goodness I'm not wearing eyeliner.

"Maya have you ever stopped to think maybe mom is trying her best. Maybe she would be a better mother if she also had a loving one. Maybe she would have a better job if she stayed in high school. Maybe-"

"Then why didn't you stay in high school huh? Why did you run off? You caused this for yourself, you know."   I said angrily through sobs.

"I was in love." She said raising her voice a bit. She was now really crying.
"I thought it will be perfect. You'll just have to also feel that way someday. You can't not fall in love one day. Someday when you do you'll understand."

I held her hand tighter and didn't say a word. I just stared into her eyes. I knew she was being honest.

She hugged me and whispered into my ear softly,"I think this is the longest conversation we've had."

I stifled a laugh. "Yeah." I mumbled.

"You know something Maya? You might be unlovable but not unloved okay. Don't be acting all weird and sad because you think I don't love you. I love you and  I may be so close to getting this role and stuff but your the best thing that ever happened to me."

"I love you too mom." I said as I kissed her cheek."

She pulled away and held both my hands and stared at me smiling. Her makeup smeared all over her face. I grabbed a Kleenex from my purse and dabbed at her face. "Its alright." She said, "Got to go now."  She said, "one more thing." She looked in her bag and gave me a card and it read:

KATE HART
Aspiring actress extraordinaire.
Telephone:555-3434.

She hugged me again even tighter and said "Call me."