A Bleak Kind Of Happy.

5: Gray and Mauve.

  I plop myself into bed and just stare at the ceiling. Seriously Maya, what were you thinking? That you could solve some relationship issues?
   
Well I was actually assuming before, that I could save my friend from a wave of sadness. Riley should never be subjected to that. Even if it's nothing compared to mine and just some teenage-obviously- going -to-happen-thing.

  Right now. I just 'hope' I didn't sadden Riley more by running away from our conversation I had completely no idea about.

Oh would you look at that. I hoped again.
 
  I seriously just want my friend to continue in her blissful happy life where there's no worries and all the terrible things going in the world like; global warming and terrorism and sadness,are completely oblivious to her.

I seriously need my motorcycle right now. I need to clear my head. But I left it in the Matthews' garage after I'd run myself home when I got out of Riley's car.
 
I didn't want to act all b**chy when I did that. I felt she needed some alone time to get over the phase I seem to have completely no idea about.
 
  Ugh... I feel so restless right now. I need art.

  I set up my canvas and gather my paintbrushes and oil paints and throw on my black apron.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Everything is starting to clear from my head;everything that happened in school, the car park, in Riley's car. What a day.
 
  I dip my paintbrushes in the oil paint and try to paint my emotions.
I like to associate my emotions with colors so most of my paintings are black.
Today, I feel gray and mauve.

Gray cause I feel so dead like ashes. Riley really scared me when I thought she was sad. I'm really not sure but during what happened in the car park, I feel she's not happy.

  I paint mauve;a pale purple. It reminds me of pink. Pink is Riley's favorite color, so that probably means that it could be related to happiness-an emotion I'm not. And no matter how hard I've tried,pink would just not let me paint it. I guess it's because I can't relate to it. But the closest to pink I can paint is mauve. Pale. But bleak. Mauve. I've been painting a lot of mauve since I started pretending I'm happy.

When I'm done swirling gray and mauve oil paint. I take my canvas and put it on my wall and just leave it to dry. I stand a few feet away and just stare at my painting. It's definitely my best so far. I'll have to name it.

Hmm... How about 'A Bleak Kind Of Happy.'
Yeah I think I like that. It relates to the colors. At least to me.

  I pack all my painting stuff and take them to the kitchen to wash my brushes. I turn on the tap a put my brushes underneath it. Yep, I haven't thought a lot when I was painting. Now I am.

I thinking of lunch today.

  Farkle precisely. He's been probably going through a lot or maybe not. Maybe he's so sad and only pretending to be happy like me. Maybe he's sad because I've been rejecting him since kindergarten. It's not like I'm heartless or something  because never gave the poor boy a chance. I'm just not sure if he's really sincere about loving me. Maybe it could just be some crush thing or hormonal related thing. Or maybe he is really sincere and if I gave him a chance, I would have that completeness  I've needed all along.

  I would try. But if I got my heart broken would I be able to take it? I thought about Riley and how she thought she wasn't good enough for Lucas. She looked pained.
Yeah I think I can handle it. I've been so sad for long but I'm still alive. And what is a broken heart compared to my sadness? But I wouldn't put to much of myself into love. I don't need more things I'll eventually lose in life.