A Bleak Kind Of Happy.

19: Fault.

Day Two in the hospital after waking up from a coma...

I got visits. Visits from the quite expected and the ones I thought didn't know I exist.

Farkle hadn't come to see me.

Riley was a mess. It was all my fault. I had brought her so close to becoming sad. Well she was sad. But not my 'sad'. But when she saw that I was okay she seemed so relieved and was quite (as in very much) disappointed in Farkle as she blamed him for this happening to me.

"I can't believe Farkle would do that. I mean leave you alone out there just like that. Thank God Lucas happened to be passing by and found you there." She said.

Apparently from the way things were looking, Lucas was just 'passing by'. Or at least that's what he told her.

"He caused you this Maya, he made you get here." She said pointing to the tubes in my nose. "If it weren't for him you wouldn't have had that headache and taken too much of that medicine. Riley ranted. "It's HIS fault."

I told her as much as possible to leave Farkle alone and to let it go but she just wouldn't.

"He's been our friend for so long. He's supposed to at come and check on you, I mean even the whole class has been here already." She went on and on. 

I didn't want to think too much of the things that happened in the past four days. I wanted to go on without hoping anyhow. Like how I'd thought Farkle cared. Like how I'd thought he'd come to see. Which he didn't.

I felt like when you hope for something and expect it to happen the way you wanted, it'd rather happen the opposite.

My sad conclusion was not to expect things the way you wanted it. Cause I mean this is the world, I mean I'm in zero control of what goes on. If I had my way I would stop a lot of things. Like sadness.

I'd be in the sky and the world would be my garden. I'd come out everyday and pour out hope from my watering can.

Except I don't control the world. I'm not the gardener in the sky and what I hope for won't happen today or ever. I might as well just give up.

On hoping.

My doctor says I need to spend to more days here at Saint Clario's Hospital -a very prestigious hospital. I'm not paying anything, Farkle seems to be but I'm guessing it's really expensive.

I'd be out of here of here by Monday I guess. My doctor told me my overdose almost cost me my life and I if lived there was a fifty percent chance I would've suffered brain damage.

Now, I didn't hope I would live (I wouldn't mind if I was dead) but here I am alive, and without any brain damage.
Proof that if I'd hoped I wouldn't die I would've probably died.

But I'm quite glad I'm alive. It (surprisingly) brought relief to my visitors. I don't know but maybe if I had died I would've brought sadness to the people who seemed to have cared enough to take a break from what they were doing or not doing to come and see me.

They seemed quite worried and that made me I don't know maybe somehow happy to think that they cared about that weird girl who shockingly is friends with the happy girl and her hot boyfriend and the rich nerd.

I'm not so sure about the rich nerd, does he still even think of me as his friend judging by the way he hasn't come to see me even though I almost died because of him.

No, because of me. I'm the one who let my guard down and fell asleep. I'm the one who was careless enough to almost kill my self because I didn't check the prescription. I'm the one who cost my mother her audition. I'm the one who made everyone especially Riley so worried on the verge of my kind of sadness.

It's all my fault.

I did this to myself.

I cost everyone their time to come and check on me.

My fault.

Not Farkle's.

And I know because he did come. And he told me why everything happened.

And in retrospect it was absolutely my fault.