A Bleak Kind Of Happy.

21: Orange.

I lay on my bed staring at the peeling white ceiling. My mind is still blank from shock at today's events. I miss him. I want him here on my bed just like in the hospital. I feel lonely now. I can call Riley or go to her house but I can't. Something's telling me to call Farkle. I should be used to him. We've been through a lot. I hope the kiss doesn't change anything.

I can't sit here. I need to paint. It's been a while I painted and with every thing that's happened, my creativity feels like its going to spew out of me on to the canvas.

I set my canvas and my brushes and oil paint. I don't think of what to paint, I paint what my feel. I paint my mind.

Today I paint my soul.

My soul is black, so the whole canvas is smudged with black oil paint. I stand back. I look at it. It doesn't feel right. Is this really my soul?

I take the paint brush with the smallest tip. I dip it in orange oil paint.

I hands are moving. My mind is moving my hand and the brush, but my subconscious is screaming, 'What the fudge Maya?!, orange?'

I can't blame my self, Orange is associated with happiness. I am not happy. No. Even is I'm painting about wanting to be happy it's mauve, pale and bleak mauve. So how can my be painting orange?

I dot the black paint colored canvas at the bottom left corner with orange paint. That's the only orange I'll paint.

Orange equals happiness. Am I happy? Even though its that small. Am I? 

I step back analyzing my work. An orange dot in a black wilderness.

I finally understand what I was painting. I felt it too. A speck of light in my dark soul. A speck of hope.

I felt my strange emotions again. I recalled one to be excitement. Farkle. He's that speck of light and hope. He might be my chance of happiness. That kiss meant something. It had to be.

I set my painting on the wall to dry. I couldn't help crying. The new painting looked so different compared to the others. This one had a hint of hope. A bright tiny light of happiness. In Farkle I put my hope. He just might save me. He might save me before sadness swallows me and I just can't be anymore. He can make me happy.

I sleep feeling assured. Like he's right there on my bed just like in the hospital, telling it'll be alright. Eventually giving my an unexpected kiss of hope.

***

I wake up. With a smile. It's not like the tiny orange light grew any bigger,it's the excitement of seeing him again this morning at school.

I quickly take my shower and put on any piece of black I find in my closet; a black sweater and skinny jeans and my black combat boots.

As I'm headed for the front door, I find my mother sitting on the sofa texting. She's supposed to be at the diner by six thirty so this is quite unexpected.

"Uh, mom?" I say getting her attention.

"Hey you, where are you headed to."

Sigh. I resist the urge to snap at her. Its a week day, where else does she expect me to be. I don't, my mom has been really nice recently, she risked her audition for me. That means a lot to me.
"School. Why are you still here?" I ask.

"Maya honey, you're not fully recovered. The doctor said you need to stay home for the rest of the week. We've sought permission concerning your absence from school-"

"Mom, I'm fine. I even forgot I was there yesterday."

She frowns. I sigh.

I start doing jumping jacks in the middle of our tiny living room making sure not to knock anything over. "See?"

"Okay,okay, I see. You can go. You have my number right just call when you feel a little woozy." She says softly.

My mother.... I felt the orange speck glow in my soul. I walked over and hugged her.

"Thank you." I said.

She smiled. I noticed an orange scarf around her neck. "Um, mom, can I-uh-borrow that scarf?"

"Oh this, sure." She said handing me the orange silk scarf. "You gonna wear that?"

"Apparently." I said. I couldn't believe it myself. I walked towards the door.

"Oh, okay." She said hiding her surprise. "You're just always so... dark."

"People change." I said. I opening the door. Adjusting my eyes to the bright morning light, I swung the scarf around my neck and walked towards my motorcycle. I started the engine and zoomed to Riley's house.

***

I climb the fire escape into Riley's room. She's brushing her hair in the mirror so she doesn't realize I've entered.

"Oh hey Maya." She says turning to face me her brown her turning with her. "Orange?! I like it." She says nodding in approval.

"Don't you?" I say with real,actual enthusiasm.