*Rest in Peace Alan Rickman you were one of my favorite actors not just for Harry potter but also Sense and Sensibility, Alice and Wonderland, and so much more.
Okay so I make people upset..a lot for not opening up. I don't open up because whenever I do I say something wrong and make others upset. Like:
Me: "i feel so lonely"
Friend: "Imagine how I feel?! *goes On to being sad and depressed*"
Or
Me: I hate myself..
Friend: "i-i-m sorry I'm a terrible friend, I'm sorry."
I love helping out, but I dont want to be the reason why you feel this way. I don't want to be the one to bring up the bad memories, or the pain you're going through. That's why I don't open up, I can't stand myself hurting you or anyone else. After I calm you down I lie and say "I'm okay now, thank you." When in reality I'm even more upset because I ruined your night and bothered you. That's why I'm so quiet. I'll probably get messages from people saying "Talk to me whenever" or "I promise I'll never do that" and maybe even some apologizes but I dont want that. I don't want you feeling sorry, I don't want to cause you pain and I don't want you making promises you can't keep. It's not fair to you. If there are people who are thinking "this is about me, she probably hates me" Or something, I don't hate you. I love yous. I'm just tired of being like this. Nobody is going to make me open up. When I open up I ruin everything. I haven't gotten better, I've learned that other people are breaking down who need help. I'm nothing. My friends need me so I have to be there Valence electroning it up. Oooh wait you dont know do you? See in my friends group we're like an atom. My friends are the nucleus (Strong,close, almost nothing can break them up, etc.) and I'm valence electrons (easy to get rid of, replaceable, not really needed) Yes, I've known them for almost a year, but I'm nothing. I'm worthless, not needed, and will never fit in.
I want to be better, I want to be happy but I can't tell my parents. I called thenerdychick524 and texted fireflyofstardust the other night breaking down. What's the point anyways?! Life sucks so why do we live?! It's just a hundred or so years of pain and then death. People say "You only live once" Yeah well maybe that's a good thing. I experience more breakdowns then genuine smiles. What's even the point anymore?!? Please everyone do me a solid, if I were to be in a coma or has cancer or something just let me die. No chemo, no life support. Just let me go. If sadness was a person it would be a really fat person hugging me. *laughs softly*I can't even bring myself to open up on here anymore..figures..I'll just go back to "being okay"
-Your "okay" kitten
