Recently I have been staying up till about six am and sleeping for 3-5 hours. I have been trying to avoid sleep because I've been having nightmares. I'm not going to go into complete details mainly because some nightmares I don't remember. The main nightmare I keep having are things like going to school and getting called down because of Alexis passing away. I know it's stupid of me to be worrying but she is my sister and I'm worried about her. Another one I keep having is where I am getting yelled at by my mom and step dad, but they end up killing me. Some of them that I have are maybe flashbacks (I cant remember if it happened or not) to when I was younger and I made my step dad mad and I try to hide from his yelling in my room under a blanket but he comes in and holds down the ends of the blankets and I am trapped and can't breathe. That's one of the worst ones. Or when I was younger my parents were fighting in the garage and they called Alexis and I and Ryan was yelling saying there was a gas leak in the car and Alexis was crying as my mom was yelling "Get in the F**king car right now or else!" and we just stood there.
One reason that is not nightmares why I don't sleep is because I'm scared I won't wake up. I know that's really stupid but I can't tell you how many times a day I make them so mad I end up going to my room crying thinking: "I don't want to be here anymore, they don't want me here it's just a matter of time before one of them or I snap." Or I am scared someone will break in and kill us. I guess I'm just paranoid (It doesn't help that I am obsessed with Criminal Minds, and my best friend is obsessed with Creepypasta.) I have no idea why I am saying this. I guess it's just easier for me to tell personal stuff like this on here because I tell myself "No one will read this." I am not really going to proofread this so I apologize for any grammar mistakes. I don't really want to get anymore personal because this is already deep so I am going to stop before I start digging too deep. Please don't judge me. I'll update soon. <3
