Okay so last night some shit went down at home. At 9pm my brother got scared that there's a ghost in our house and his dad (who doesn't believe in ghosts, afterlife, or anything really) called him a pussy and said he would check him into a mental hospital. Ryan then went to work. At around 11pm or something I got a phone call from mom and she was asking me things like "What did Ryan say to brandon?" and so I told her. 2 minutes later the phone rang again and it was Ryan. He said "I'm gonna beat your fucking face in! You like causing drama Alyssa?! Your mom just called me bitching! You're done you little brat!" and then he hung up. I was terrified and visibly shaking so I called mom again out of fear. She told me she would deal with it when she got home and that I shouldn't answer the phone if he called again. At 1am ish Ryan called once and then like 5minutes later he came in the back door yelling about where mom was. He made me look up the number for her work and as he did so he was screaming saying "You're not too old for me to pull down your pants and beat your ass! By not answering the phone for me Alyssa you are saying you wouldn't care if I was dead! I'm going to make your life a living hell! If you start crying right now I swear to God I will punch you right in your fucking face!" then he took my phone and said I wouldn't get it back for years, and if I told mom about any of this he would kill me when she went to work.
Once he went to work I went upstairs and cut. I didn't care. My whole arm is now scarred and I kind of regret it. I lost enough blood that I still kind of feel sick but not enough for me to pass out or die. When mom came home I was feeling so sick that I came so close to rolling up my sleeve. But once again my fear of getting caught and sent to a mental hospital or something scared me. This morning when Ryan got home he called me a traitor and explained that I was his enemy and that my dad abandoned me so he was all I had. Then he went to sleep. He woke up like an hour later or something and gave me my phone with no words. Then he went back to bed where he is now.
I don't feel like sleeping because I'm scared that he'll come in and yell or that someone will see my arm or worse. In case anyone is wondering no I'm not going to cut or kill myself or anything. At the moment I'm perfectly safe from physical harm.
I'm ashamed of myself though. I made it so that I can never look at my arm without thinking about last night. It upsets me that I got to that. I don't feel like me because I never thought I would get that bad you know? I know I probably sound confusing. I always thought my self harm would always be secretive. I used to do it up high so it could be hidden. Then small short ones that looked like accidents or something. And now..it's not even an arm really..I'm just ashamed of myself. I thought I could be clean for months and stuff..I'm gonna go now. How I met your mother comes on soon and Andy's cousin messaged so I should reply. Night guys. I'll pass out around 4ish or something. Please don't worry or anything. 💜
-Alyssa
