Don't judge me.
It's funny how you can have an okay day and hide everything, but as soon as night comes and everyone goes to sleep....You can't hide it anymore. "High school dropout. Freshman failure" Things I hear daily..IM NOT A DROPOUT YOU PULLED ME OUT. I WAS FAILING BUT WHEN A TEACHER WANTED TO HELP, YOU REFUSED TO WASTE YOUR TIME ON ME. Everyday I hear "School tomorrow" or "school was boring" And honestly I never thought i'd be begging to go. I fucked up and now look. Nobody should waste their time on me. I'm worthless. Two nights ago, I got my first breath of fresh air in a week when I climbed out my window to sit on my cold kinda icey roof. I only came inside because I heard my mom and she hates it when I go on the roof. I feel like I just need to cry and cry like maybe that'll fix my problems but it wont. Any normal person "I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of the things that hide in it." I'm not even scared of that anymore, I'm scared of what I'll do in the dark. WHY CAN"T I JUST DIE ALREADY?! Don't give me any of that "Everyone is put on earth for a reason" bullshit because if that were true why are six year olds being murdered? Sometimes people die for reasons too..Amber Hagerman was killed and that created Amber Alert. Death isn't always terrible.
Another thing, Stop asking "how are you?" "are you okay?" "how was your day?" I HATE LYING YET I DONT WANT TO BREAK DOWN TO YOU. IF I BREAK DOWN IT CAUSES PEOPLE STRESS WHICH ISNT WORTH IT!!!!!! I CARE ABOUT YOU AND I DONT WANT YOU HAVING TO PICK UP THE BROKEN GLASS !!!!!!! IF I HAVE PROBLEMS ILL HANDLE THEM LATER AND QUIETLY. YOU DONT NEED THAT TROUBLE !! Ugh....I can't tell you how bad I am doing on the inside.... .my entire top of my arm is just scars...I feel tempted so much to just do the same to my wrist and then it would all be done with. I only haven't because there's like a 1% of me thinking "No...don't ...You have peoples..." And that one percent apparently has control of my body. Which sucks. I feel forgotten because I know if I were to be silent all day MAYBE 1-2 people would notice...before I met my internet friends I wanted to see if I cared so I decided to see how long I could go without talking and I would talk when someone spoke to me and I was silent for a full week before I felt pathetic and started talking. I talked to people from my school and it's like they don't even know I'm gone. Last Friday when I said my goodbyes a kid who I thought was my friend said "You're moving? Yes!" and I faked smiled but on the inside it hurt a lot. I know I'm worthless, but i do have feelings kinda....
I'm trapped in my own Hell, i hate life and feel worse everyday but i can't do anything about it because of that STUPID FUCKING 1%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love the people who care about me but i wish i could just be done. My thoughts keep me awake at night so even if i say "Goodnight" to people, I lay in bed until 4-5 in the morning and sleep for a couple hours because if i somehow sleep in late i get yelled at for being lazy...I'm constantly scratching at some part of me usually my hand..to stop myself from breaking down. I completely bruised my leg from all my scratching. I can't look in mirrors or anything with a reflective surface because it makes me think "Look at that ugly girl. She's worthless and stupid who fucks everything up." I don't want to do anything anymore. If i could, i would just curl up in bed and lay there forever but i can't. I don't know if I'll be online much anymore..i just don't feel like it. i love my friends it's just...i can't take anymore. I can't take much more of "Im okay" and you guys getting pissed at me for not eating and not opening up. WHEN I OPEN UP ALL YOU GUYS DO IS FEEL BAD! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I LOVE YOU ALL BUT ALL YOU DO IS "*breaks down crying* I'm sorry im a terrible friend" I don't want that. I would rather hide things. I just need breaks from time to time of faking it. Please don't be mad at me. Please.
-A tear stained me
