Lovestruck (EDITING)

55: A Choice

It's been three days. Three days since my talk with Dani. Since I ran home from school before even making it to homeroom. It's been three days since I last left my bedroom. Since I showered or changed clothes or ate anything that wasn't out of a packet. Sad, right? Well, not really. These three days have been perfect. They've been safe. A much needed vacation that I never want to end.

Suddenly I'm blinded by light as my mom swings the door open.

"Skye, you thinking of resurrecting anytime soon?" She speaks softly but I know she's on the edge of a meltdown.

I groan in response and pull the duvet over my head. That usually seems to get rid of her quickly.

"You do realise that every detention you miss just gets added on to the end of your sentence, right? You're not avoiding anything here. Just making it harder for yourself."

I groan again. Louder this time.

"Your teachers have been calling, Skyelin."

"Tell them I'm sick. I have a severe medical condition that will keep me at home for at least a few months." I mumble from under the covers, praying to just be left alone.

"Chronic laziness? Get out of bed, Skye."

I groan and roll over, creating a blanket cocoon for myself to block out the light and noise around me.

"Get out of this bed, right now!" The blankets are torn off me and I squeal, wrapping my arms around my face to shield my eyes from the light.

"Mom!" I whine as she pulls me by my arms into the bathroom and turns on the shower.

"I want my daughter back. Not this zombie you're becoming, okay? Take a shower." She instructs, slamming the door behind her so that I'm left sitting on the tiles as the steam from the shower fills the room.

As my bathroom transforms into a sauna, I lean my head back against the cold tiled walls and wait for my head to quit spinning. Weird things happen when you lay in bed for three days and then decide to suddenly stand up, or in my case, you're forced up. I can feel the blood rush to my head as my blurred vision begins to clear and I can focus my eyes on the red cap of a vodka bottle poking out from under my bathroom cupboards. I sigh in relief that my mom didn't see the half empty bottle Jayden left with me a few nights ago and wonder why I even decided to hide it rather than throw it away. The steam washes over me, bringing with it the nauseating anger I spent the last few days trying to forget. Perhaps the lack of blood circulating to my head kept away those feelings. The feelings that make me weak. I shake my head in an attempt to rid myself of the thoughts that seem to cling to the fibres of my mind like flies in a spider's web, but it's no use. I'm stuck here. Stuck inside my own screwed up head. However, something does seem to clear away from my cloudy mind as I'm surrounded by the warm clouds of steam my shower continues to produce. As if the physical fog leaking from under my shower curtain is somehow clearing away the mental fog I've been prisoner to for the last few days. Somehow replacing the blur in my mind with perfect clarity.

I realise that I have a choice. I can continue to live in the darkness of my bedroom until I lose every shred of dignity I have left and I'm forced to face reality, or I can be the person everyone thinks I am. I can be strong. I can push myself to face the shitstorm I've been hiding from, and I can continue to act as though nothing in the world ever bothers me until I eventually crack once again and the cycle repeats itself.

Neither choice is ideal, really.

***

"You're going to need to speak to your teacher about making up for the detentions you've missed today, Skye. And make sure you catch up on all of your school work." My mom doesn't look up from her phone screen as she gives me instructions.

"Yes, Mom." I groan, taking a couple of bites out of a granola bar and leaving the rest on the kitchen counter as I head for the front door.

"I mean that, Skyelin. I see you fail one test and I'll be forced to ground you all over again." I catch the threat as I slam the door behind me with a sigh.

Today will be the hardest. I just need to get through today and everything will be fine, I tell myself. I pull out my phone as I take a seat at the bus stop and look down at the note I made for myself last night. It's a list of things I have to do today in order to achieve my goal. The goal being surviving until tomorrow, of course.

1. Be sociable in homeroom.

2. Catch up on Spanish.

3. Keep head down in PE.

4. Find new person to sit with at lunch.

5. Ask to work alone in Drama.

6. Actually study in study hall.

7. Go to detention.

Although the overall task of surviving may have seemed impossible to me before, breaking down my nightmare into fragments seems to make it more achievable. I basically need to start again. I need to make new friends and avoid all trouble until eventually everything begins to be okay again. Good thing avoidance is my strong suit.

The bus arrives early and I spend the short trip mentally preparing myself for the difficult day ahead. When I arrive at school, I have to fight the urge to turn around and run back to my bed. I glance down at my phone once more before sighing and dragging myself to homeroom.

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