My Dark Rants

But I wanted to be perfect

   So I just nearly suffocated while trying to eat. I was actually eating a decent portioned meal when I just like couldn't breathe, I wasn't choking on my food, I don't know what happened. I just couldn't breathe in. And I already had a headache and because I've been coughing and hacking for the past freaking like ten minutes my headache has gotten worse.
   Anyway, while that was all fun and joy, my online friends began to be active on our group chat, and we ended up playing Truth or Dare. I got dared to eat cinnamon, which I have health problems with. Or something like that, I can't eat sugar often at all. I can hardly eat one cookie without feeling dizzy and woozy, nauseas and sick afterwards. I had to go to the emergency room after having a seizure and passing out twice and they said it was because I had eaten sugar earlier that day and nothing else to balance it or something. But now I can't eat hardly any sugar without feeling like I did that day.
   But I'm getting besides my point. I was playing Truth or Dare and I also got dare to do role-play with one of the guys in the group for 30 minutes... yeah that was interesting... HA. And I finally finished a project I had been working on since the first week of school in like... August. A freaking ten minute documentary for "History Day", and I finally submitted it at exactly 1:29pm this afternoon! Hehe. I've been able to feel a little more confident lately. I don't know why or how, I just feel a little more lighthearted and free.
   I've began to eat normal portions, but I'm still forced to see a doctor because of my "episode" last month at the hospital. I'm kinda worried he might say I'm not eating enough and then my mom will get mad. And then my parents will fight... and then I'll be in trouble, and then I'll go back to feeling trapped in the dark. I hope the doctor says I'm okay, I don't want to get trapped in the dark again.
   I've learned more piano, double handed emotional songs are what I'm best at. I haven't picked up my drawing supplies in a few months... I've kinda lost inspiration. In high school I can't even take Art 1, because of the damn electives and taking a language counts as one. But they force us to take one anyone so I don't understand why it should count as an elective.
   I'm also taking band and if I can't get into Art 1 I at least want to get into symphonic band, like come on give me that much at least.
   I've also learned a thing or two this year and the school year is barely half way over. Friends come and friends go, and promises are made hoping to be kept. Some promises are broken, but do you know why? Because they just weren't meant to be kept. Somethings just don't work out because it wasn't meant to be. Maybe there was a second chance given somewhere, and if it didn't work out after the second time, it truly was just not meant to be.
   Friends come, friends change, friends leave. That's why I've tried not to become too close and not to get attached, so that way I wouldn't get hurt when they leave. Everyone leaves eventually. Nothing lasts forever. I've done my share of becoming attached to people, they left me behind, found someone better, and only came back for someone they wanted more.
   I guess... I guess I can explain one thing that happened in my past that I've tried to forget. I've tried so hard, I thought that once I forget the pain is gone. But instead the pain only grew worse.
   When I was little, I made a friend. She was kind and happy, funny and relatable. She was like my idol, she had so many friends, she had so many talents, and she was so bright and happy like, all the time.  She wasn't the first friend I had ever made, some friends I made that year I still have to this day. But she was different than the others, because I though she cared about me. I felt jealousy towards her to be honest.
   All the guys would always have a crush on her with her beautiful hair, pretty smile and perfect eyes. Ugh, as if I hadn't tried so hard to be like her I just wanted to feel like I belonged, I wanted to feel accepted. But I was always pushed away. The time I really broke inside was the day I found out my best friend, the first friend I ever made, had a crush on her. He had always been by my side, and been my bestest friend ever since I could remember, until the day he met her. Then, I was a stranger to him. Poof. I never existed in his world.
   They had inside jokes, they flirted, and I was always left behind. It was then I was thought, she must be what every guy wants. She always gets the guys, she always gets what she wants, and she always pleases the crowd. She has so many friends, and she can do so many things.
   I learned many things from her. I had a similar dress style as her. Granted my hair was similar, but that kinda couldn't be helped all I could do was either put it up or leave it down. I never left it down. I had a huge, huge, insecurity of my hair being down. I thought it was ugly and I thought no one liked it. I was scared to he myself. I did a lot of things she did, except singing. I never sing. Don't make me sing, I'll punch you if you do. I'm not kidding either. I don't sing.
   But as time went on, years went by, and rumors spread, I fell apart. I couldn't handle it anymore, and I fell into my now very hard to control depression. As for the girl, she's smiling and laughing with her new friends. I used to be one of her best friends, and she told me she would call me every week. Guess how many calls I've gotten in two years. None. But that's okay. People move on. And it's time I do too.
   I'm not proud of who I was, and I'm not proud of who I was trying to be. I was trying to be a perfect, happy, skinny little barbie doll. That's all I wanted in the world. I'm not going to lie, I still do. And don't tell me things like I'm just fine the way I am. That's not what I see. That's not what I've ever seen.
   My demons have already broke me down enough. Hear, or seeing the words, "You're beautiful just the way you are", makes me feel worse to be honest. I feel like, I made another mistake. After all those years of pretending to be someone else, I'm terrified I'm never going to find who I really am. I'm terrified I'm going to make that same mistake. I want to be me, but in the best body I can be.
   And that pedo yesterday didn't help.