My Dark Rants

The Switch.

     My mind is yelling and screaming at me and I'm so stressed that all I can do is sit here in paralysis. I try not to listen to the voice; Ed is mad at me. And I feel so awful I made him mad but I was just trying to be strong and then I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked at myself before I got in the shower. He was right that I should have listened, and dear Lord I am regretting everything I ate today so much. I didn't eat breakfast, for lunch I had a 1/2 cup portioned serving of some kind of meat-stir thing. It was like a mix of cut up meat and potatoes or something. But literally no more than a 1/2 cup serving. And then for dinner (this is where I feel awfully guilty) I went a restaurant called Red Robin and it's a burger place... with amazing milkshakes.

1. I'm not even supposed to eat junk food I'm on a 31 day junk food fast.
2. It was so fatty I don't even want to know how many calories I just ate.

So yeah... and I had six chicken nuggets only because my mom would start to catch on again if I didn't eat anything at that time. And a little packet of fruit snacks with them. That's what I've eaten today. I could have done better with eating less. But I only at about half of the burger, so I guess that's better than the whole thing.

But thinking about that started to lead to Ed screaming at me, he told me I'm stupid and I'm clueless, I'm so fat and if I had just listened to him I could easily be two pounds less than I am now. And so, I don't want to admit defeat... but the war against Ed seems one sided. I'm beginning to go into the switch.

The switch. You may be asking what the fuck is the switch. Well I'll tell you.

In my mind, my brain is split into two sides, representing the two halves of me. One side is the normal, more or less intelligent and patient side of me. And the other side is the demented, impatient and angry side. The switch is where I go from the patient side and switch to the crazy and angry side. The crazy and angry side listens to NO ONE. No matter who they are or what they say, I listen to NOTHING when I have made that switch. And all I care about it being thin, and being perfect, and I will do ANYTHING to be that way. Meaning I will starve myself for 10 days, doing a water cleansing fast. I lose up to about 12 pounds. I gain a thigh gap, my collarbone is visible, my jawline is more defined, and my arms are smaller. If I make that switch, I'm afraid that one day I'll never switch back. I'm okay as of now. I ended up legit screaming and my mind went silent after that. Ed got frustrated with my incompetence and left me alone for now.
     He'll be back. I know he will. But I'm not sure if my next step will be to give in or continue to fight back, I'm so close to giving up and giving in.

Maybe you might as well you know, I'll always be here to make you thin.

But I promised Matheus I wouldn't.

You suck at keeping promises anyway.

But the ones I broke were because I was falling into insanity, the insanity you are pushing me farther into Ed.

Maybe you should.

Maybe I shouldn't.