My Dark Rants

Hangry

     So like lately, I don't really know why, but I've been getting irritated by the littlest things. And along with that I've gone back to skipping lunch. To be honest I don't do it on purpose, I just get so busy in doing what I am doing and I completely forget. And when I remember or get the chance to I just think "I'm losing weight; I don't need food; I'm not actually hungry it's just my mind; I don't deserve to eat." So then I don't eat and before I know it I've had NOTHING and its already 3 in the afternoon.
Another thing, my brother is having a lot of problems with this bitch who is an attention seeking whore. He still loved her even after 5 years, but she only used him for when she wanted the affection of a boyfriend. They were friends with benefits and I hate it. She's hurting him and she thinks he's the one doing all the wrong. J hate her. I want to smash her fugly face into a wall and throw her limp body into a rapid river that leads to a deadly waterfall. My brother deserves so much better, and he's trying to settle for that lowlife sluggish ho. Excuse my horrible language please, but I've been telling him to get away from her, to stop talking to her, for her to fuck off. He doesn't listen and he obsesses over her.
Well tonight... or this morning I guess... he just asked her "Could we ever try again to fix the wounds we've given each other?" (oh the drama of the wild beating heart of young lovestruck IDIOTS) and she literally said "No." And he STILL ASKED HER WHY. NO MEANS NO MAN. But I also feel really bad for him because he was shot down by someone he had loved for so long. I see the little 8 year old boy, once full of hope and wonder now shattered and molded into a heartbroken adult facing the mean reality that is life.
     With that said, I return back to the whole food issue. I still refuse to see another nutritionist, much more the old nutritionist I had before. But I've gained more weight and I don't mind it so much this time because instead of it going to my ab area it goes to the *cough* other female areas. BUT it's still making me look a lot bigger than I am if I were a healthier weight. I'm almost trying to throw everything back up but I've always though Bulimia was the worse of the eating disorders, plus my therapist would probably kill me. I feel excruciatingly nauseas right now and I legit almost threw up in school, and then when I got home, and then my moods have been swinging back and forth at least 10 times a day. I think its that time again... and while its a decent thing because if it happens this coming week it wont happen on the school trip I'm gonna take in a couple weeks, but at the same time... damn I hate the horrible pain and constant feeling of discomfort. My pain can go from a 0-100 real quick and I'll be sitting in class and I'm legitimately holding in a scream because it is actually that painful. But I can't take medicine at school so yeah that's just fantastic. And along with that, really bad cravings for junk food, and then when I eat it I feel awfully guilty because my entire goal is to feel confident in my body, BUT THEN I GO EATING A WHOLE THING OF ICECREAM THAT ISNT EVEN THAT GOOD.
     On the bright side there's only "12" (really 16) more days of hell, my bad, I meant to say school.