My Dark Rants

Burning

So I think my brother is still mad at me because I'm at a party and he's completely avoiding me unless his friend comes up to me, then he acts as if nothing happened and then when they're gone he just gives me a death stare. I actually have nothing to apologize for so if that's what he wants he isn't getting jack-shit. And not only that but he thinks he has like nothing to apologize for either. And that is what makes me most angry. At the party, there was a pretty big sized water slide and it had two chutes so two people could go down at the same time.
     Me being the casually innocent minded little sister (ha not actually very innocent if ya know what I mean) thought he could go down with me. He did but he clearly didn't seem to happy about it. I asked if I could go with him and he was like "fine" so yeah after that I would much rather have just gone on my own. He hung out with his friend the whole time and avoided me 100%. I was either alone or with my mom. I actually wouldn't have gone at all if the host of the party wasn't so excited for me to be there. I don't regret going, I regret thinking my brother would be happy with me there. I still don't understand what reason he has to be mad at me, because he was the one pressuring me, and interrupting me when I tried to say what I needed say. He was the one dragging me to all these stores for a dumbass CD for himself, when we were supposed to be going out shopping for father's day WHICH I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY DAD ANYWAY. And then he bought me a drink from a café to "make it up" to me for dragging me everywhere at like 9pm. But then he brought that up later in our fight as "I GOT YOU THAT DRINK AND YOU DARE CALL ME SELFISH". Oh. He was the one who suggested getting me a drink, I didn't ask or even suggest getting me anything. But then he brings that up as an attack on me. However if I were to say that I didn't even ask for it, I know exactly what he would say or do.
     "Fine then. I won't get you anything again while we're out because you're too selfish to be thankful for it."
      He dares tell me I'm like my dad, when that is exactly how my dad would react to a thing like this.
      Well at the party I was just done with being there because I wasn't having any fun. So I asked my mom to take me home and I said bye to everyone. My brother just looked at me. Big surprise there, but then he gave me an awkward side hug because his friends showed up. I just gave him a death stare and I really hope his friends saw it. Anyway, he apologized for something (to be honest I don't remember what it was) but it wasn't the apology I was willing to accept, and anyway, he was drunk. 9 beers ago, if he had apologized, maybe I would feel a little better. And tomorrow I have to go with my dad to breakfast... yayyy... (please kill me). I have to put on a mask not only for my dad, but now for my brother and I have to act like everything is okay, everything is just dandy, everything is perfect. Well its not.
     All I feel is just extreme rage at everything, and I'm not allowed to express it. If I try, I'll get yelled at by my brother, my mom will counter act what I'm mad about and say "Oh no he didn't mean that! He was saying -------" which makes me even more upset because its like why am I even telling you if you won't just let me be mad. And then my friends don't even listen. They say they do but in fact the other day when I tried to tell them, it just mad me feels a thousand times worse. One of them yelled at me and called my dad a lunatic who needs to be arrested. Yes my dad has problems but that was absolutely offensive to me. I just feel so alone and don't fucking say I'm not alone. No one understands my problem and yet they act like they do, they put on their own mask and try to help me. That doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel bad.
      I should be hospitalized at this point but I won't ever be as long as I can help it. They are not going to take my phone away. If they do, I actually will end it all right then and there, then I will have to courage to do it, because the only one who gives me motivation to wake up another day; to make it to the future; you goddamn know well who he is. And if they take him away, I have nothing to live for. Trust me on that. All those goodbye poems written in a journal locked in my closet, they might come in use one night. Yes I have problems too. And I'm tired of acting like I don't. My brother said "I see you as a mature adult, so you have to live up to that expectation." Well I don't see you doing that right now, Mr. Drunken Ass, so why should I? Let me be a kid. Let me be mad at you like I'm letting you be mad at me.

.....And I think I got a sunburn.