My Dark Rants

My Friend Ed.

     Why are the things that taste the best the worst thing you could possibly eat. I can't eat ANYTHING anymore without feeling guilty. I've lost my appetite to eat, because every time I eat anything all I can think of, all I hear in my head is Ed telling me about how many calories I'm taking in. Oh, my bad, I forgot to introduce you to my new friend. Ed. He lives in me, I live with him. He teaches me, I've tried to disobey him, but then I see what happens when I don't listen to him, so I follow what he says. He tells me if I listen to him I'll get everything I have ever wanted. He says I'll be okay, if I will just listen to him. Ed is becoming my best friend! And the only voice I've been hearing for days and days is Ed's calming voice cooing in my brain. He says I'm not sick, that I'm just different, and that he'll take care of me! Ed stands for Eating disorder! Anorexia to be exact! He'll help me to get what I want. He has before.
     But as for the sleek and slender curves, those I must get on my own, Ed doesn't tell me how to get those. No, instead I work on my own, with the other side of my brain, pushing myself to do more, eat less, do more push ups, more sit ups, run longer, eat less, train harder, practice gymnastics longer, eat less. Inside is a monster that only one person has ever been able to calm and somehow he (other than Ed) used to care for me. That other person began to see me as I see me... so he left.
   So now is a girl who people say looks thin. But up in her head all she sees is fat. In her dark and traumatized mind she sees a failure, a fat and emotionally dramatic nobody.
     I'm okay with people forgetting about me, to be honest I want to be forgotten by some people. But when school starts next fall, I'm going to be that girl, for to those who know me, they will be like, "she lost so much weight". And when I practice gymnastics, or I'm laid out in my covers with my arms above my head, my ribs will be visible, my collarbone will stick out, my thighs will hardly touch. Being latina my body is naturally a little thick around the thighs, but I will be thin. They will not touch as much as I can help it.
     My hair will grow out longer, my eyes will get lighter, my skin will be brighter and clearer, I will be lighter hold. I will wear sleeveless dresses and feel comfortable in them, I will wear a bikini and be okay. I can, and I will. Don't worry about me, Ed says I'll be fine. I should have listened to him before, he was right the first time.