My Dark Rants

Things Change.

Ever since I can remember, I had a severe insecurity of my hair. I would keep it up in a tight ponytail, and no one EVER saw it down. And when I say no one, literally not even my family ever saw me with it down. I always thought it was ugly and its natural waviness was unlike all the girls at school, so I always kept it up for fear they wouldn't like me (I was and still am a very nervous child gimme a break man). But, now I hardly like my hair up, except it helps it grow longer faster when its in a bun so bear with me. But anyway, in that respect I have changed. And some people say they like my hair, so I decided I didn't need to be afraid to let it down, and let it be all crazy and wavy and it now super crazy when I let it down after I wash it, Latina hair is just a struggle I tell you.
     Another thing, my way of thinking has completely changed. I used to think so simply, I used to be able to understand everything so easily, but now I overthink, and I fucking let myself overthink even though I know I'm in control. I think of three different meanings when someone says "lol", and then I'm like was that sarcastic? Was that just so they wouldn't let me feel bad? Was that just fake and insincere? I FREAKING OVERTHINK ABOUT "lol" omFG. But like I help people on my other Instagram account "_momentarysmile" (no publicity intended but hey if you can relate to any of this shiitake then check it out 🌚) and my mom brought up a totally relevant point and she was like "if someone you are trying to help actually... you know... commits suicide, and if the police go through the person's phone and they see that you were talking to them, knowing about everything, they might ask you questions and stuff." AND I FREAKED OUT BECAUSE WHAT IF THEY'RE LIKE "ITS YOUR FAULT YOU SHOULDN'T GET INTO THINGS LIKE THIS YOU'RE TOO YOUNG YOU'RE NOT A PROFESSIONAL YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS AND THAT" AND THEN I THOUGHT MAYBE I SHOULD STOP HELPING PEOPLE BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT PEOPLE REALLY APPRECIATE MY HELP BUT THEN WHAT IF ITS NOT ENOUGH AND THEN IT'S LIKE PARTIALLY MY FAULT AND I'M JUST THINKING HOLY SHIT I'M TOO YOUNG TO DEAL WITH POLICE WHAT DID I EVER DO OHMYGOSH.

      I'm scared about that.

      And friends have changed, lmao and my boyfriend protective af. I'm not gonna my aggressiveness has also changed. I used to be super aggressive as a little kid (for those who knew me then you obviously know, and I almost broke like three kid's noses) but then in middle school I became quiet and out of the way, and actually afraid to touch anyone and be touched by anyone, until 8th grade. Then I became a lot more confidence less cautious. Sometimes to my own expense as well as others. But when it comes to my boyfriend, I am actually hella aggressively protective and I didn't even know I could be. Luckily for the girls who mess with his gorgeous self, DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME IN PERSON AND HOLY SHIT THEY'RE ACTUALLY HELLA SCARED OF ME AND IS IT BAD THAT I LOVE THAT. BECAUSE THIS ONE GIRL TOOK A SCREENSHOT OF MATHEUS' MUSCLE AND JAWLINE AND SHE SENT HIM "😍😍" WHEN SHE APPARENTLY FUCKIN LIKED MATHEUS' FRIEND WHO WAS ON THE SAME GROUP CHAT. AND I WENT APESHIT ON HER. LIKE ACTUALLY AND SHE IS ALREADY SCARED OF ME. AND THEN IN SCHOOL MATHEUS WAS DOING SOMETHING I FORGOT BUT THEN THIS HO (eml but srsly) LITERALLY CAME UP TO HIM AND RAN HER HANDS UNDER HIS SHIRT AND FELT HIS ABS.

NOT.
FUCKING.
OKAY.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK THAT I LIVE ACROSS THE WORLD I WILL FUCKING FLY A GODDAMN PLANE SMASH HER BITCHASS FACE INTO A CONCRETE WALL. REPEATEDLY. AND (I THINK IT WAS A DIFFERENT GIRL BUT IF IT WAS THE SAME IM ACTUALLY GOING TO BITCH SLAP HER) ANOTHER TIME, THIS GIRL CAME UP BEHIND HIM AMD HUG HIM AND THEN SHE JUST LEANED HER BOOBS ON HIS BACK LIKE IDK TRYING TO LIKE SEXUALLY AROUSE HIM OR SOMETHING IDK. AND HE'S SMART AND STUFF BUT ALL HE DID WAS IGNORE IT. i mean at least he told me so he knows its not okay. AND HE'S APPARENTLY TOLD HER HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND THEN SHE'S LIKE "who me?"... that pisses me off beyond boundaries I ever thought I could be NEAR. AND SO I SWEAR, I didn't think I could be that insane about a boy but apparently I can.

;-; Things change. OH WHALE IMMA SLAP A FEW BITCHES WHEN I GET TO ENGLAND.

YOU KNOW I'M SERIOUS.
(and all this made me stress/binge eat damnit I was doing good not eating hardly a thing all day)